Bloggolympics New World Champion!!

"Hi, I'm standing here on the red carpet of the Bloggolympics Grand Final Final, this promises to be a very exciting night.

We've just received word that some famous Bloggolympians are heading this way. Oooo, there's La Nadine. Nadine, Nadine, you're looking great tonight. Nice cans."

La Nadine: "Rigged."

"Absolutely, thanks for participating. Oh, and there's Steph. Steph, you're looking lovely today"

Steph: "Why are you being nice to me? I'm scared."

"Um. Oh look, here come's Birdie, who flew all the way from America."

Birdie: "...and boy are my wings tired Thanks, it's lovely to be here. I think I'm doing a lovely job of being a genius ring in."

"Why yes. Yes you are. Best of the bunch I'd say. Hey, Audrey, Audrey, thanks for coming along."

Audrey: "No probs."

"Why hello there Lulu, how are you? You're looking super awesome in your little kimono. What a massive smile."

Lulu: "Thanks, do you understand how this whole Grand Final works, is it just made up?"

"No, not at all. 3 of them competed at once, two of them picked Scissors so soon they will battle it out. Exciting no? Actually, don't answer that, because I spy Kris. Kris, Kris, wait up, man you're fit, wait, we want to say hello."

Kris: "GO CHERRY!"

"So, who are you thinking of supporting for this massive Bloggolympics Grand Final?"

Kris: "I thought I made that abundantly clear."

"What? I was looking at Bevis... what a cute little sprog/Future Overlord."

Bevis: "Yeah, he's proud of his Dad who is the current Bloggolympics Champion of the World. Why just the other day he was doing the handsignal for 'You've certainly set the bar high in terms of dignity and poise for the next Bloggolympics Champion Of the World, a title that you currently own with dignity and poise.'"

"Yes, ENNY FOR ANYTHING 2006! Enny, Enny, I assume that's a very awesome bag you have there. It goes super with favourite dress number 14."

Enny: "Yes, I love it. I got it from...."

"Holly! Holly, how are you?"

Holly: "Good thanks, am I still in this thing?"

"Ho ho ho, no."

Holly: "Oh, when did I...."

"Nails! Nails! You travelled from Sydney to this undefined location!"

Nails: "Yes, I..."

"Mars, you look so aligned tonight. Whoa! You're looking quite proper and ladylike, done any First Husband Finding short courses lately?"

Mars: "No."

"Do you think you'll win any awards tonight?"

Mars: "Asian hat, Asian hat, Asian hat, Mars."

"Um, okay. Random. Whoa! Muffin? Hi."

Muffin: [greeting not updated for many months]

"Um, so the blog is going well then."

Muffin: [comments not updated for many months]

"Whoa! There's GBE, you put up a good fight. Did the Bloggolympics inspire you to get a new job somewhere grouse."

GBE: "I think you'll find the Bloggolympics makes everything super ace. Including, but not exclusive to, life."

"Whoa! I couldn't have put the words in your mouth by typing them on a computer screen any better than that. P.S) There's Fluffy, Hi Fluffy."

Fluffy: "Hi, have I ever told you how remarkably like Sammy Davis Jnr you look?"

"NO! You have not yet. Whoa! Deb, Deb, slow down, slow down."

Deb: "Can't talk, photoing then photoshopping."

"But I wanted to ask you if you enjoy being a Killer of KikiKeeks, go mo ho! Freakin' it's down to your knees!"

Kiki: "That's worth sponsoring don't you think?"

"Pffft, it's not down to the bottom of your knees. Dave Mack, holy mother you have a very large brain."

Dave Mack: "Ecastic!"

"Whoa! To be here? Awesome! Why, look at this delightful young lady, you're looking bronzed and relaxed."

Delightful Jen: "Well, I'm sunning myself right at this very second..."

"Multitasking. Speaking of which, I'm Not Craig, are you eating a chicken burger?"

I'm Not Craig: "... gulfm"

"Um, okay, great, whoa! Here's some more fun-filled fattening food, Drowning In Jello, Drowning In Jello, how are you?"

Drowning In Jello: "GO RED!"

"Who? Whoa! We must have seen everyone so far, wait, wait, wait, who is THAT GUY?!?"

Jobe: "Who?"

"You man, who are you?"

Jobe: "You never heard of me, you must not be a hotbabe."

"Um, well, I'm not, but I could be."

Jobe: "... I don't do speechless."

"Whoa! Pomgirl, Pomgirl, did you fly all the way back from the home country just for this prestigious event?"

Pomgirl: "No, I needed some jumpers."

"Whoa! I'm super nervous but also quite excited, I'm inside the main arena walking down to meet with our Grand Final Final competitors. They are both pretty hot and entertaining, both are chicks and both are not Australian, is there no end to the similarities? Here is Cherry!"

Cherry!: "This is for girth!"

"Hi Girth! Good luck tonight. Whoa! There is something odd about Meghan, she seems to look less cute than usual, she looks more like a mascot at a game of sports."

Meghan: "Shh, it's me, Birdie..."

"Smooth. Well, good luck tonight."

"The crowd is reaching a fever pitch, they are all shouting and yelling and passing out for their favourite Bloggolympics Champion. Who will win? Who will lose? How will they play the game because that's what really matters. Whoa! They are winding up..."

Meghan: "paper". Cherry!: "scissors"

"Cherry! Wins! Exactly 50% of the crowd goes completely berko, the other exact 50% is saddened for the twice 2nd place runnerer."

"Oh look, from the ceiling! Floating down in a silver speed suit, it's Bevis... he's going to present the Bloggolympics Champion Of The World trophy to Cherry! He looks great up there! We love that guy"

Bevis: "Congratulations Cherry! I can not name all the ways your life shall become super awesome after being named Bloggolympics Champion Of The World, but I can tell you it is approximately 83 ways. You have been a proud, brave competitor, strong and silent, good teeth and we, Bloggolmpians the world over salute you. Huzzah! Huzzah!"

Bloggolympics Grand Final Results - 1/3 of the way there.

Okay kids, here are the results thus far:

Dave Mack = Paper
Cherry! = Scissors
Meghan = Scissors

Paper < Scissors.

Unfortunately, we're going to have to say goodbye to the very excellent Dave Mack, he was doin' it for the male species, doing it for Australia, doing it for peace.... doing it for so many things.

Thanks DM, you've been a brave and excellent competitor.

And on with the rest of the Grand Final.

Cherry! vs Meghan.


drumroll please....

Bloggolympics Grand Final

Holy Whoa!

It's happening now... after this round, we will have our 2nd Bloggolympics Champion of The World!!

Will it be the way cool, calm and collected Dave Mack? Will it be the feisty Cherry!? Could last years Grand Finalist Meghan take it out after her main competitor was dispatched by a fellow Americas liverer?

As I mentioned earlier, the rules are simple. Each brave competitor will throw in their thing, some stuff happens and then a winner is declared.

Grand Final:

Meghan vs Dave Mack vs Cherry!

Go team!

Bloggolympics Round 3 - Semi Final Winners

Whoa! You can certainly tell that these bloggers are the Bloggolympic professionals; sleek, quick, full of conviction, athletic sportsmanship, overbaringly daring, are all qualities I expected blogpros to have, but um, it's early days yet.

Here are the results for round 3. Drumroll please....

Meghan (scissors) vs Kris (paper)
Winner: Meghan

I'm Not Craig (paper) vs Cherry! (scissors)
Winner: Cherry!

Dave Mack (rock) vs Enny (scissors)
Winner: Dave Mack

Congratulations kids, details of the massive 3 way grand final will be forthcoming/highly comprehensible.

Bloggolympics Round 3 - Semi Final

Meghan vs Kris

I'm Not Craig vs Cherry!

Dave Mack vs Enny

Whoa! Who ever gets through this goes into the Awesome Massive Grand Final of Hugeness!

Bloggolympics Round 2 - Winnererereers

Oh, what a turbulent few days it's been. The near-violence, the threats, the sweaty steamy promises of rumpy pumpy, the bloggolympics; crazy, crazy times.

I am quite proud to declared the results of Round 2. Congratulations to both our winners and losers slightly less successful competitors.

Meghan (scissors) vs Jobe (paper)
Winner: Meghan

Birdie (rock) vs I'm Not Craig (rock)
Birdie (rock) vs I'm Not Craig (rock)
Birdie (rock) vs I'm Not Craig (rock)
Birdie (rock) vs I'm Not Craig (paper)
Winner: I'm Not Craig


Audrey (rock) vs Dave Mack (paper)
Winner: Dave Mack

Kris (paper) vs Deb (paper)
Kris (paper) vs Deb (paper)
Kris (scissors) vs Deb (paper)
Winner: Kris

Enny (scissors) vs GBE (scissors)
Enny (scissors) vs GBE (paper)
Winner: Enny

Cherry! (rock) vs Mars (scissors)
Winner: Cherry!

Bloggolympics Round 2

Holy Moley! It's all getting action packed now.

Here are the matchups for Round 2. I'm super nervous plus also pretty excited.

Meghan vs Jobe

Birdie vs I'm Not Craig

Audrey vs Dave Mack

Kris vs Deb

Enny vs GBE

Cherry! vs Mars

Good luck Worthy Competitors Of Justice, Truth and Bloggolympics.

Bloggolympics Round 1 - Special Announcement

Um, yeah, hi.

So anyways, I realised that I couldn't actually run Round 2 with 13 people (20 something bloggers and not a single knowitall maths nerd - you people sicken me) because it requires, like, you know, pairs.

I had to politely ask Mars and Muffin to duke it out until one emerged a slightly less bloody pulp than the other. It took much steely staring, naming calling ('son of a motherlovin hoe PLUS I HATE YOU' - classic) and Steve's big balding smirking head to break them up, but they managed to sort it out in one shot:

Mars (paper) vs Muffin (rock)
Winner : Mars

Well played ladies.
Tomorrow morning will herald the start of a new day, and also Round 2.

Bloggolympics Round 1 - Results

It wouldn't be a bloggolympics without a whole bagload of controversy; will Steph and keeks rumble in the jungle, will Deb finish him off first, with the Americas have fair representation, are boys strong like King Kong, will Bevis realise his lifelong dream to win every year, will I'm Not Craig let D'Jen have a totally good birthday?

So many controversies.

I'll post the results now and the Round 2 match ups later.

Meghan (paper) vs La Nadine (rock)
Winner : Meghan

Steph (Rock) vs Birdie (Rock)
Steph (scissors) vs Birdie (rock)
Winner : Birdie

Audrey (scissors) vs Lulu (paper)
Winner: Audrey

Kris (paper) vs Bevis (rock)
Winner: Kris

Enny (paper) vs Holly (rock)
Winner: Enny

Cherry! (scissors) vs Nails (scissors)
Cherry! (scissors) vs Nails (scissors)
Cherry! (scissors) vs Nails (paper)
Winner: Cherry!

Mars (scissors) vs Muffin (scissors)
Mars (rock) vs Muffin (rock)
Mars (rock) vs Muffin (rock)
Mars (rock) vs Muffin (rock)
Winner: Not me, I couldn't deal anymore, I'm sending them both through.

GBE (rock) vs Fluffy (scissors)
Winner : GBE

Deb (scissors) vs Kiki (scissors)
Deb (rock) vs Kiki (scissors)
Winner: Deb

Dave Mack (paper) vs Drowning In Jello (rock)
Winner: Dave Mack

I'm Not Craig (scissors) vs DelightfulJen (paper)
Winner: I'm Not Craig

Jobe (scissors) vs Pomgirl (paper)
Winner: Jobe

The Mars/Muffin situation is only being allowed because it helps the numbers for the eventual Bloggolympics Grand Final, don't be thinking I'm going to let that happen, ever, ever, ever, again (probably won't).

Congratulations to those Bloggers heading into the next round, you're still in the running to become Americas Next Top Model something.

Welcome to the Bloggolympics!

Welcome one, welcome all.

It is time for the funnest, grandest, awesomest, way grooviest bloggames in the world.

The rules are simple, you'll receive an e-mail asking you to reply with one of three words, either "paper", "rock" or "scissors". Your esteemed competitor will also reply with one of those words also and the BCOA (Bloggolympics Chairperson of Awesome) will list the results in a future post.

For those not in the know, the results are worked out using this Technical Matrix Of Technicality:

Paper beats Rock.
Rock beats Scissors.
Scissors beats Paper.

A draw, ie, both players pulling out the exact same prize winning move, will require a re-match.

With the vast number of competitors this year, the Grand Final will be an almost amazing 3-Way Match.



Now, may I introduce our excellent competitors and first round matches:

Meghan vs La Nadine
Steph vs Birdie
Audrey vs Lulu
Kris vs Bevis
Enny vs Holly
Cherry! vs Nails
Mars vs Muffin
GBE vs Fluffy
Deb vs Kiki
Dave Mack vs Drowning In Jello
I'm Not Craig vs DelightfulJen
Jobe vs Pomgirl

Let the games begin....

yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo

Happy Birthday to young Delightful Jen.

Hip, Hip, Hooray! (x3)

Humanitarians may kill us all.

Pretty much I have the answer to all the world's problems, give me a massive international disaster and I can tell you how to fix it. I may not be able to physically fix it, because, you know, I do have my own job to do, computers don't ninja themselves you know.

All the worlds problems, except for one:

Overpopulation.

I've been using all the bits of my brain, in all my special thinking places and have yet to come up with anything gold.

Here are a few of the throwaways:

War On Kids.
Too late, they've already infiltrated most countries and have perfected the the duck and roll. They are also too sneaky.
Supporting evidence: Home Alone 1, Mighty Ducks 3, Malcolm in the Middle (assumed from ads)

Every country doing 1 child policy.
No good. People would be freaking out about their family name disappearing and probably never have girls. Then there would be a world shortage on girls and when people have them they could collect a massive dowry. Probably play havoc with online dating websites ratios.

Baby registration.
Might work but gets a bit scary science fictiony. Possibly be quite traumatic for all involved.

Waiting until the world floods or something.
Too messy. Probably just make things worse. Invest in paper towel companies and sand.

Encourage any country to make nukes.
Bombs also wreak the environment so that land is no use anyways. Sillies.

Crazy poor person eating virus.
Possible idea, surely someone has invented this already. Bit gross and not very nice.

Tying up John Connor for a very long time.
wait, didn't they destroy all the robot specs anyway, damn you, improper use of molten metal.


The main problem as I see it is that no one would be crazy enough to tackle this one. Kids are cute and can link the DVD to the wireless subwoofas, people love babies and also it would need all countries working together.

What is the Person Capacity of this planet anyway?

Music types? What are they good for?

Ahhhh, Cup of the Melbourne.
This is the first time I haven't gone to someone's house and drank and laughed and participated in sweeps and spent like 3 dollars on betting. I always pick horses randomly and usually manage a third placer or something. As a kid, if I picked a winner or placer on the Melbourne Cup, we were always allowed to have pizza for dinner and I've barely missed since.

Cara, alternatively, has a method. She always try to pick horses based on musical references and never seems to get very far.

Until this year:

Melbourne Cup 2006:
1. Delta Blues
2. Pop Rock
3. Maybe Better

Bizarrely, the one not music reference to place she accidentally had in the sweep. Goodbye $20 Cara betting money, hello $130 won (I don't think that even includes the sweep winnings.)

In terms of timing: Awesome!
She found out yesterday that she's going to Hawaii tomorrow night for a 4 day all accomodation, all flights paid for holiday and since I haven't been paid in a while (corporate slackers) I didn't have much spareage to give her for spending moola.

Young Lady. Weblog. Plus Other Similar Stuff.

Hi is this GBE, from http://girlblogetc.blogspot.com? How are you today?

Hello! Yes, 'tis I. And I'm quite well, thank ye for asking. Actually, scrap that, I'm about to leave for work and am therefore Quite Shitty.


Is the sunburn less ouchy?

The ouching has been replaced with itching. I am slightly fearful that my back is shedding like it needs a good dose of Head and Shoulders. My glowing white-skin-bodysuit is yet another element to make me all the more ridiculous.


So, for those of us that are new and not so good at catching up on back stories of your life and stuff.... your old blog implies that you used to be an office wench, but now you seem to work in a saley insurancey officey thing. Are we confused?

Well, Adam, let me tell you a tale. There once was a girl who started a blog because she was bored shirtless at work. She was a foolish, foolish girl, because she named her blog after her job. Then, when she left her job to become a nomad, the title didn't apply anymore and made her seem like a bit of a thicko. So she changed her blog and changed her job and gave the new one a completely bollocks title so that it wouldn't matter if she quit, and also because Tales from a Saley Insurancey Officey Thing was too long. I'm sure this has cleared everything up. Um.


Are you possibly An Awesome Dancer of Super Awesomeness by now?

You know, only the other day an instructor told me that I was dancing 'quite well.' Oh, how I blushed. I only step on peoples feet 50% of the time and I have only ever crotch-stroked somebody once, so I think that I am travelling along quite nicely.


WHERE THE HELL DO YOU GET CHOCOLATE PIZZA IN BRISBANE?

Your excessive caps indicate that you are quite excited by this idea. There is a club/restaurant-type place called Brazilian Touch in the Valley, and the staff are foreign and blare muffled music over the speakers. As well as this, they have all you can eat Brazilian pizza and after you have stuffed your face, you can make yourself seriously ill by eating their dessert pizzas. Chocolate slathered all over the top of the base, chocolate INSIDE the base, fresh strawberries on top. Guaranteed to make your teeth fall out.


Have you been in Brisb, like forevs?

No, dear Adam. My life has been wrought with to-ing and fro-ing, starting with my birth in the cold/grey country of Wales back in 1983. To Australia, back to Wales, to Australia, then fulfilling the obligatory backpacker role for seven months last year, then back to Australia. In that time, I have been in a plane that almost crash-landed on its wing, and also in a plane that started bellowing smoke from one of its engine things. I love flying. It's my fave. I am off track!


How many of your posts were actually about you stealing the internet? Is it possible that all your posts about stealing the internet could trigger off some ASIO secret spying thing and end up with some dudes in black running in with guns, yelling 'hut hut hut' and grabbing you before you're able to peel yourself off your couch and run to safety?

How many? How many drops of water make up the ocean? I successfully stole the internet for the better part of a year before I decided to become an honest citizen and buy my own. If the ASIO chaps decide to bust in and hut on me, I will simply tell them this fact. Then they will put their guns down and say "well, as long as you've learnt your lesson" and then we will all have tea and pot noodles.


You do seem to be quite hilarious, where did you get your hilarity from?

This hilarity business is yet to be verified. When I was growing up, I lived in The Bush and my only forms on entertainment were fending off my brothers' punches and searching my body for ticks and leeches. Oh, those were the days. When I moved to The Big Smoke I discovered that people drove 'cars' and interacted with others on a 'social' level, and I was quite perplexed. I sheltered myself from this frightening world and commenced cracking crap jokes on the internet. And the rest, as they say, is history.


Can you give us a quick rundown of the plot of your internet movie project? Will it be better than Snakes on a Plane?

I have a couple of projects currently simmering away, Adam. I do intend to combine blogging with vlogging and begin posting videos of myself belching well-known showtunes and dancing like MC Hammer. Commencement date is yet to be confirmed but will most likely be after the purchase of a video camera and the consumption of a bottle of vodka. The other project will be an independent movie which at this stage is looking to be a kung fu musical featuring bearded dragons. What the readers want, the readers shall have. Whether it will be better than Snakes on a Plane remains to be seen. That's a pretty tough call.


Have you found a secret band to quite like before the masses get hold of it or do we need to start a blogband to keep you satisfied (assuming obviously that the blogband is awesome but oh so terribly too indie for mainstream)?

Alas, I am yet to find anyone. There was a talented chap playing the recorder on a street corner the other day, and for a brief moment I considered becoming his groupie so I could follow him around and dance a delightful jig in his wake, but in the end I was forced to acknowledge that he did actually smell quite a bit and kept interrupting his playing to scratch his crotch, so I scrapped the idea. A blogband is, in fact, the most fantastic idea in the world, Adam. I expect you to start one pronto.


You do seem to be quite excellent at including pictures and making sure sentences aren't too long or tricky. Do you have a secret guide that you follow to ensure blog posts are quite fun?

Fun? What is this fun that you speak of? As for long and tricky sentences I guess it's because I read a lot and most authors don't use long and tricky sentences unless they aim to write like that and then they usually become one of those cult writers who get a small but sometimes larger loyal fan following and sometimes authors can get away with writing total gibberish like Joyce for example.


Thanks for your excellent interviewness, do you have any words to leave us with?

You're welcome. Have a good day, and, uh, you know. Thanks for the interview. May your days be merry and bright. And may all your Christmases be white. Etc.

Episode 2 of Adam Reading Too Much into Things.

This morning I was walking to work, all skipping and clicking my heels because it is the best of all work days Casual Friday and the sun was shining and the birds were singing and whatnot.

Ahead of me where a whole stack of high school students were slowly spreading like a virus along the footpath, sorry, did I say 'virus', I meant 'swarm'. No, I actually meant, 'ambled along with youthful enthusiasm'.

I was watching the various interactions, a boy walking all on his lonesome fanning himself with his hat, two taller boys violently sandwiching a shorter boy, the cool ones slouping along in their 70s porn reflector sunnies, the teacher walking completely by herself in the middle with a large gap around her.

Anyways, I bored of their slow ambling and soon made moves to overtake them all. It took me two shots because I had to make space for a lady coming the other way. Once past, I kicked into walking superspeed and let them all eat my walking dust.

"Whoa!"

"That's Joe Aldarin in like, 6 years."

To which another replied "6 years?"

I didn't look around but I assume the were obviously talking about me. Who else would look like some dude in 6 years?

So, who is this Joe Aldarin? Should I find him and guide him through the good times and bad of the coming years? Would this guidance change him paradoxically so that he wouldn't be like me at all? What made that dude say that? Was it the superspeed overtaking? My bag? My hair? Does he also wear a green t-shirt with casual aloofness? Is he their classmate and they are assuming I'm just some uni guy? Is he like 50 and I need to buy out Oil of Ulan? Is he famous? Is he the red power ranger? Do teenagers still like power rangers?

And what did the other dude mean by "6 years?". Was he like, "Don't you mean 13 years, that guy is clearly an 28 year old IT ninja?" or did he mean "6 years, that guy is identical to Joe now?" Urg, I hope I don't look 15 or else I'm going to have to grow all sorts of hardcore facial hair.

Who Is Joe Aldarin?

I shouldn't really be slightly creeped out should I?

Hi.

How are you?
Having a lovely day?

I do hope so. Anyhoe, do you remember a while ago I met some young lady from the internet who turned out to be quite nice and fairly intelligent and quite normal?

Well, since that experience was quite pleasant, I did what any red-blooded Australian male would do. I completely forgot about it and moved onto other things.

I forgot until just moments ago when I received this in my inbox:

Hi there, I am a guy 26 from south side of Brisbane. If you feel interested in hanging out and having fun with me please let me know.

Now, I can fully appreciate that this was sent by a young man who intended all innocence, but because I am wrong evil seen too many movies have a ridiculous imagination too quick to read too much into things my first thoughts were:

"having fun with me" - is he asking for sex?
"having fun with me" - is he subtling asking to be tied up and pummelled with a table tennis bat?
"having fun with me" - he probably just wants to go to the movies, WHERE HE CAN PASH ME?
"please let me know" - poor guy, I should stop thinking like a tool.
"having fun with me" - dammit, how can I not chuck in a pit of lions/religious types with only a Swiss Army pocket knife and a MacGuyver DVD boxed set?

Clearly there is something wrong with my brain. Send help/diabolical ideas.

It rained while I was walking to work today and being supersmart I took my little umbrella with me. It's totally weird having muggy way warm rainy weather but I could totally get used to it.

Anywho, then it stopped raining.
Whoooo! Best story ever.

I really only have to stop walking once in the mornings at some traffic lights right near the university. There are other lights but they don't have cars anywhere so I choose not to recognise them.

Since it had stopped raining and since I had stopped walking it seemed like the perfect time to pack away my umbrella.

Once it's all squished down to little, it's got a little sock thing to put over it. Man that was hard to put on. I tried holding it with one hard and shoving it in with the other - no dice. I tried using gravity - no deal, gravity is overrated. I ended up having to prop the umbrella against my stomach and using both hands to slide the little sock over the umbrella. That was still pretty freakin' hard, so I get my elbows in and bend over a bit and kinda ended up like peeling/rolling the sock on. Got a mental image?

Does that mental image at all resemble PUTTING A GIANT GODDAM CONDOM ON AT A SET OF LIGHTS SURROUNDED BY MANY, MANY UNI STUDENTS?!?

That's me, always teaching the kids.


So, that lead to me thinking about my old English teacher.

10 Reasons why my English teacher was worse than yours:


10. This one time, on one of those cruisey swotvac weeks (study week before exams) the office administator's dog wandered into our class. He kicked it so hard it ran yelping away.

9. His surname was the same word as 'a saucy love bite' someone might give you except you couldn't image anyone kissing this dude ever. Not even a chick would go there.

8. He'd bundle all our assignments into a manilla folder and chucked 'em in the back of his ute next to the horse sadles and manure.

7. He'd drive said ute to the closest possible point to the classroom door. Even if there was no road. Even if there was no road and it stopped people from entering or leaving the class.

6. He used to go hack if he used a word that you couldn't adequately define. So he demanded we put up our hands if any word was said that we didn't know. It's not a bad tactic except he'd spring on people to scare them and he never asked any other questions so we could still daydream, we just had to put up our hands when everyone else did. He was normally quite boring and taught me how to daydream but recall the last sentence said when he went berko.

5. He once kicked a dude out for writing in his English class. Class was for listening.

4. He once said "you're just a typical little fella" to the shortest kid in our class. Then went on to address the irrations of short men. Also, that same day he put a hole in our wall. He was telling a story about punching.

3. He had an article about spelling mistakes members of the Police had made. He went on ridiculing them for a while and I got over it and offered the opinion that maybe in moments of stress spelling wasn't the most important thing. I spent the rest of the term being referred to as 'the copper'.

2. He used the word 'abo' (short for aborigine) an amazing number of times. He also brought out every swearword on a fairly regular basis.

1. Only once did I get good marks for an assignment, my argument was for legalising murder as a means to combat over population in the world.