Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Once upon a time....

.... there was a lovely young king. Everyone in the kingdom thought the king was great, the people would enjoy his company and call on him when they needed advice or their house moved. This young king was very happy with the love of his people, the ladies loved talking to him, but he did notice the knights of the kingdom were getting all the attention of the ladies.

They would talk incessantly about the warriors, obsess over them and when a warrior would enter a room, the ladies would run over and give them all their attention.

"Hmmm" our king thought, "what is the difference, between those young knights and me?" In truth, the knights did not do battle any better than the king, they were not more hansome nor did have faster horses. "Maybe they are nicer and more lovely?" So the king was as lovely as could be and looked after all the ladies in all the kingdom as best he could. The ladies loved the kings attention, but again, would talk about the knights at any opportunity.

So the king sat. He sat and he watched. The king was totally shocked to find that the knights weren't lovely at all, they would tease the ladies and ignore them and laugh at their expense.

Around this time, the king was summoned to help out another kingdom where no one knew him. He tried to not be lovely towards the people in the new kingdom but with very mixed results. Sometimes he went too far, other times he was too arrogant and maybe the ladies just knew it wasn't in his nature. Sometimes it worked quite well, but not when the king drunk much mead.

It is hard for the king, he doesn't really know his own character any more, and at times he is lonely without his kingdom, but the road to kingly goodness is long but completely worthwhile.

Friday, May 27, 2005

Oh my god...

Oh my god, I'm freaken trashed!!! Drunkkkkkk!!!!!! Just to let you know, when I've been dri nking I'm totally hilarious but slightly jerkish. How do you feel about that and what the hell to I care? Can I take this opportunity to say that I llove yous!!!

Today is gonna be the day that we're gonna go back to you

I've decided that today I am going to be better at my job. Now, I am very used to actually not doing much constructive at work, but yesterday I actually did so little work that I felt totally guilty. This is way not groovy. So, today I'm trying a whole lot harder. I'm working harder, I'm less distracted, I'm bringing joy to all those around me, I'm leaving situations better than when I entered. It's hard to press reset and suddenly be a good working guy. Sure, I've spent most of today mucking around, sure I haven't actually accomplished anything on my to do list yet, but it's nearly lunchtime.... I promise I'll be way better after lunch time. Promise.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

A sit at home test.

Sit at home test - Adam's Blog - Section One.

Question 1.) What is the name of this blog?

Question 2.) Why then, do I keep organising to go places?

Question 3.) Where am I going next?

Question 4.) Okay then smartypants, where in Central America?

Question 5.) Wow, good. Who am I going with?

Question 6.) So, I can believe you guessed Cara, but how did you even know about Alex and Danielle?

Question 7.) So Mich who just moved into Alex's house is my closest friend, and also a travel agent. Clearly we need to book through her, but how do we stop her from wanting to come along too?

Question 8.) Why are you asking the questions now? Okay, it's because she would hate being the fifth wheel, and also because she has a tendency to make things harder and totally take over. I still love her but. Can I get on with asking the questions now?

Question 9.) Should I travel around the world with this Central America jaunt or should I just go there and come back?

Question 10.) Should I make this blog my travel blog? I haven't actually told a single person I know that I've been keeping this blog thing. Would that get weird?


So, the first person to answer the above questions correctly gets a, um, I dunno, something good. I might get you to nominate your own prize.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

A little....

Why hello there, is this the totally awesome Birdy from
http://www.birdsovafeather.blogspot.com. How are you today?

Well, I'm just super fabulous. Thanks so much for asking. I've run over a total of 3 (three) small animals and clipped a small child on the way to the grocery this morning. So my day is pretty much complete.

Has anyone told you that your jokes are totally stupid and cute?!?
Also when do you reckon the last time someone told me to have a snazzy day was?

To be stupid AND cute... that's quite a feat. Please don't confuse that last word with 'teat,' because a 'teat' is a nipple thingee on a cow. But a 'feat' is something much snazzier and involves no animal extremities. And I TOTALLY didn't even know I made jokes on my blog but if you think I do then I may just have to have sex with you later.
And I hope someone told you to have a snazzy day at least once yesterday because I'm pretty sure I sent that memo out about not saying "have a good day" anymore.

Reading around, I totally get a feel for people's blogness, like they only write the light stuff, or the heavy stuff, or they only write when they are grumpy or only when they have a funny story. Your blog totally dabbles in really light hearted fun stuff and totally rockin' deep personal stuff. What is your favourite colour?

My FAVORITE color is green (jeez, don't they teach you people to spell down under? Ugh. Sorry. I'm pretty sure someone has already made fun of your linguistic idiosyncracies but it's JUST SO FUCKING EASY. kisses!). I love green because... well, I don't really fucking know. I think I started paying ATTENTION to green when I was in the 7th grade, way back in 1991. I had this Browning jacket (a jacket renown the world over by hunters and a huge fad in Natchez, Mississippi around this time) that was a very lovely green; not olive, not emerald, not sage-- just beautiful green. And this girl came up to me one day and told me my eyes were the same color as that jacket. And I was so excited- because I thought my eyes had magically turned from baby-poo hazel to extravagant green- that I decided to wear all the green I could. Vanity ROCKS.

No, I'm kidding, my question is, who are you writing to? What gets you a' typin'?

Hmmmm my movitivation would probably be... trying to snatch me up one of them good-lookin fellers and later poppin out some greasy, bloody kid out of my vaginey.
I'll be damned-- that image grosses me out.
Moving along.
I'm writing, in a way, to my parents-- because as much as I love them I've never been able to tell them much. I've always been afraid I'd frighten them off. :) So all the things that piss me off, make me sad, make me happy, irritate, grate, bolster, and any other descriptive word you'd like to insert-- are used when I write. I feel a little insane sometimes (thanks, Pfizer!) so maybe I'm hoping that by having an outlet and by having confirmation that I'm just as whacked out as everyone else, I'll wake up one morning and go "Gee, the sun is shining, my ass has magically shrunk, my tummy is flat and toned, my bank account is stable and there's a hot bastard lying in my bed, waiting to shag me senseless. LIFE IS GRAND."

Do you ever read back over your own stuff? Which bits are your favourites?

I re-read every now and again-- I love the 2nd entry I wrote- I made up some spoof newstory about Christmas shoppers and the "Scent of Christmas." That one probably makes no sense to anyone outside of Arkansas, but I'm just too damn lazy to explain. But in short, I love that kind of ridiculous satire. I also love the story about the crackhead that approached me while washing my car. I had on no makeup, hadn't bathed, my clothes were rank-- and he's smooth trying to pull himself a piece of ass.

You can't get a tattoo because you don't want any part of your body displayed, but your little photo shows that you have cool shoulders.
Have you ever thought of getting a tattoo of the word "adam" on your wrist? I think it would look great with your hair colour.

I would only consider getting a tattoo of a guy's name after I'd had sex with him on the way to an awards show, kept a vial of blood around my neck and made out with my brother. WAIT. SHIT. Sorry, I confused myself with Angelina Jolie.

I have cool shoulders? Who'dathunkit?

And I thought we discussed keeping our relationship private, Adam. If I tattoo your name on my wrist, everyone will know I've been humping THE ADAM and I won't be able to rest for all the paparazzi clamoring for my picture.

I've seen a few of these 100 things around the traps and yours was by far the most amazing, how good is alcohol?

Wow. It's "amazing" and I've just barely hit the mid-way mark. I swear to god I'm going to try and finish that crap this week. Ugh. I think I'll go grab a sharp object to stab in my head because there's a good chance it could swell. And alcohol, well, alcohol is a friend that has NEVER, and I mean NEVER let me down. I mean, what other friend can say they've seen you naked and shivering on a bathroom floor after downing a half bottle of Tequila? What friend can say they've seen the insides of the toilet you've thrown up in after aforementioned bottle of Tequila with nothing in your stomach but red Kool-Aid? And WHAT FRIEND can say they've seen you eat Saltine crackers for 3 straight days because your body was in a perpetual and ceaseless drunken stupor so heinous not even stray cats would come near you? Well, I think that pretty much says it all, my friend. Alcohol is a force to be reckoned with. And never, NEVER lets you down.

How is your funky new work friend? Is she also making a way groovy stand against stupid software?

My funky new work friend, or FNWF, or Phnwoof is doing quite well. After 2 straight weeks of drooling over HottieR, Phnwoof finally got herself a piece of ass last night. Aparently he was quite good. Downside: She works with him. Oh, and he has a girlfriend. But girlfriend is in another state and as the song goes... "I've got ho's.... in different area codes....." So therefore he is completely relinquished of the usual "cheating bastard boyfriend" punishment. Which would include but not be limited to: 1) Being tied to a chair and being poked with a stick. Repeatedly. 2) Having four dozen Peeps (scary faux marshmallow things shaped to look like chickens sold during Easter) stuffed into his mouth. 3) Mild electro-shock therapy. 4) Mild-severe electro-shock therapy. and 5) Having the gonads sawed off with a wooden spoon and then nailing them to the wall to dry into prunish little sacks of cheating sperm.

And I don't think Phnwoof participating in the war against The Man. Me, I've started writing my packaging slips out by hand again after my brief incident involving a mis-sent package. I think Computer Nazi gave up or is biding his time...

Have you ever been to Peru?

No, I have not. But I HAVE been to The Netherlands where I smoked pot in the boat on the river featured prominently in a Cheech and Chong feature film. You know, even when pot is legal, I still don't like it. But damn I wish I did. It's not fun to say you vomited every time you got high in Amsterdam. It sounds way cooler to say you frollicked through the paved streets of Amsterdam while floating on a cloud of marijuana.

Peru was on the Amazing Race. For that matter, tell us that you've never had any reality TV moments. Please? Pretty please with a cherry on top?

I've SO NEVER BEEN ON REALITY TV but motherfuck am I addicted to that crap. It's truly a vicious, evil cycle. I love reality shows where people hookup, fight, cheat, scam, lie and burn buildings down.

One of my workmates just lost her entire days work because she saved it on the temp directory and then reset her computer. I'm about to take her out Friday night drinking, any advice for the computerly-braindead?

Well, it's past Friday here- as I was a wee bit tired after down the "Big Gulp" of Dos Equis beer at Senor Tequilas. But my advice to her is: BURN THE BUILDING DOWN.

Do you know of any shots or cocktails that cure that kind of silly behaviour?

One part apple juice, one part vodka, sprinkle with cinnamon on top-- SHOOT IT-- then chase with whipped cream. It's like Mom's apple pie only your a lot fucking happier after drinking this kid. And you can never go wrong with martini's-- it's ALL ALCOHOL-- so it's not a waste of space like most pansy girl drinks.

Have you seen the UK version of The Office?

Yes. And America's TV execs have now decided to make a version of it because apparently the riotiously funny British version is way too hard to understand for the majority of under-educated white trash hill billies. Not that I'm bitter, or anything.

Hey, where did the nickname Birdy come from? Are you aware that it's totally cute?

There are two stories:

1) My brother one day noticed that the fat bird with a red chest outside on the windowsill was the same name as his sister-- and had great fun pointing at the bird and saying "BIRDIE!" and then pointing at me and saying "BIRDIE" and then laughing devilishly.

2) I was precocious and very intelligent for my young, tender age and discovered that the beautiful black and red birds outside also carried the same name as me. I was never confused with this association becaus quite obviously I was not a bird. But I made it clear I understood that the beautiful bird and my name were closely related, and hence the name "Birdie" was born.

Have you ever yelled out the phrase "pash party!!" while holding a digital camera? If not, can I dare you to try it tonight?

I'm going to try it out tonight while drinking in a bar downtown. I'm so very curious-- does it have something to do with homosexual lovin or maybe sex with cows?

Neither, but who really knows about the orgins of these things..... No, sometimes a good pash party helps makes the world go round. Especially if there are people around that should be pashing each other.

I totally love awesome bands that set to rock the world's stage but

are still kinda playing local gigs. Have you got a good one for us?

Hmmm... The Donnas are pretty tasty though they're a bit bigger than "local" status. But they rock out like only a true chick band can. And Starkz is a local band of the original context and also rocks out- with their cock out-- because they are an all-dude band. Though I've never seen cock at one of their shows. Well, I've seen dudes that probably have cocks under their underoos, but I've never seen the BAND displaying said cock.

The Donnas are a bit of an alright.
Thank you totally for this interview. Are you aware that you rock?!?

Well, there was this one notice I got from the FBI but I threw it away with the junkmail because I knew it would never be really true, TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY TRUE, until The Adam had deemed it so.

Thank you and Good Day.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Hot on the heels....

Hey is this Ryan Medinski, talented author of the ever popular http://medinski.blogspot.com?

How are you today?
Shitty. I asked a friend to find out if this one girl liked me. This is the one from the bar last Friday who I said may have rejected me. I told him to "work his magic" and find out what she thought about me. However, I told him to go easy on me--put a positive spin, because I'm sensitive. I didn't want him to tell me that she wasn't into me, or that she thought I was an idiot; I wanted a positive spin. Give me the bad news in a good way. So that was yesterday.

He came back to me and told me, "You're too good for her." I had no idea what he was talking about, since I'd forgotten about the positive spin.

"What? What's that mean?" I asked.

"Uh...You're too good for her..." he said with a raise of the eyebrows.

"Oh...oooooh...The positive spin thing. Goddamn it. I still feel shitty," I said.

Hey, clearly yours is my second favourite blog ever, but it has made me laugh more than anything else on the internet. How the hell do you come up with this stuff? Are heavy drugs or Red Bull involved?
I don't enjoy drinking heavily, so I rarely do it. I noticed you wrote that it's your "favourite" blog ever. That's so funny. You spelled "FAVORITE" as "FAVOURITE."

I enjoy energy drinks and coffee, but those have nothing on my discontent. Discontent is what motivates me.

So much of it is stupidly funny and very well written, are you secretly a famous author
pretending to work for the government?

I really dislike my job in such an intense way, it should come off as pretty obvious. I've written one book so far, but it's not published as of yet. It's called Aiming for Failure: Because Falling From the Ground Hurts Less. It's a book about accepting and embracing failure as a way of life. I have West coast representation and everything (everything except a book deal).

I'm at work on my second book. Think of Eli Goldratt's The Goal and Fidel Castro's invasion of Cuba.

People the world over believe that our American cousins don't really know too much about the world outside their waters, would you say this is true?
Yes. Cases in point: the Bush Administration and Fox television (though Rupert Murdoch is one of yours, is he not?). Thank you, Australia, for giving us fuckin' Rupert Murdoch. You gave us Mel Gibson--wasn't that enough? Don't think all Americans sit around loving the Bush domination. There's people who disagree, and protest, and generally get angry. However, those who are vocal about it and make a stand are castigated. I love Michael Moore; he's a peaceful dissenter with a strong voice, but few others feel that way.

I know that I don't even know enough about what happens outside of our waters. But it doesn't matter. I'm American. Have hope, though. I applied for a post in the Foreign Service, and failed their tests miserably. Unfortunately, we've got someone heading up the State Department who possesses about as much compassion as I have magic powers (might I add, I have no magic powers).

How is the engaged chicky going? Is she fun in that flirt totally with because she's totally taken kind of way?
No. Nothing flirtatious. No subtle subtext of "I want you now." Which is fine, because I don't chase engaged women (contrary to my actions).

You know, we are totally hanging for your picture book to hit your blog. Do you have a release date?
It'll take some editing and explaining. I'll have to put up a mad disclaimer, too. I meant to bring it home today. But I was driving home with my friend, and we were already on the freeway leaving downtown when I exploded. "MOTHERFUCKER! MOTHERFUCKER!! GODDAMNIT! I left my picture book back on my desk. Fuck!!!" I showed it around today to other employees. I need to make a copy for my manager. Either she'll laugh, or she'll fire me. We'll have to see.

DISCLAIMER: Any similarities with persons living or dead are purely coincidental. This picture book is not meant to be an accurate portrayal of someone who works for a large tax organization, or an employee of the United States Government.

I have sooooooooooooooo many Jewish female friends in Australia that are looking for love. Ever thought of travelling here? Can I send them up to you? Do you prefer to goy it up instead?
I love the goyim. I enjoy the Agnostic/Atheist women. Agnostics and Atheists don't force their religion on you. Jewish women are okay, I guess. I really haven't met too many. Asian women are awesome.

There are so many attractive, single females in this Goddamn city (it's the second largest fucking city in the US), and I can't meet one. Motherfucker.

The permanent government employees are driving me nuts. Any suggestions?
Man, if I had any fucking clue what to do, I'd already have done it. Just don't make yourself permanent; that's MY suggestion.

I decided I want to apply for law school. Not for any good reason, really. I already have a masters in something. But I hate my job so much, and feel unqualified for most positions; I feel law school would be cool because:
A) Another 3 or so years to fuck around
B) Get to quit my job
C) Meet more women
D) Get out of school, and make waaaaay more money than I'm making now.
The Los Angeles metro area is one of the most expensive Goddamn areas in the country--the second most expensive in the West (after San Francisco). I can hardly afford to pay attention.

Dude, I'd never go permanent, that's crazy talk.
Thank you for your time young man, it's always a pleasure (by that, I mean, this first time has been a pleasure).
This and yoga in the same day. I feel enlightened.

Monday, May 09, 2005

Interviewin' Excellence, even if we do say so ourselves...

Hi, is this D. from the highly acclaimed blog www.drowninginjello.blogspot.com? How are you today?

Excellent. Thank you.

That's good. So what is it about your blog that makes it my most favourite in the whole world?

I think it just because you rock!

I came up with the idea of interviewing you while I was at the gym and had to write it down on a train ticket. Do you just typing at your computer and magic happens or do your ideas happen mostly in the 12 items or less queue in the supermarket?

I mentioned in a recent post that I've never once had any inspiration while standing in the fresh produce section of the market, but the express checkout line? Well, that is a completely different story. I'm usually standing there snickering to myself while thinking about the next story I'm going to post as fellow shoppers slowly move away from me.....

Hey, what is your motivation to be such a good blogger chick? You're totally consistent.

A lot of funny stuff happens around the jello capital every day. When I'm surrounded by such great material, that really makes it easy.

You mentioned once that I provided about 99.8% of the comments on your blog, am I scaring other people off?

YES! Other people are intimidated by the awesomeness of your commenting power and therefore, choose to leave no comments at all. That's cool, though. I don't mind. Comment away, Adam.

So what's the story with Heather www.dooce.com? Do you two know each other or you did find each other in your internet wanderings? She was interviewed on Australian radio because of her blog, why is she so famous?

Heather, of dooce.com, is a fellow resident of the jello capital. She is famous because she was the first person to be fired from her job on account of her blog (a.k.a. getting "dooced").

So young lady, where is your life at?

I'm still trying to decide where to go from here and what to do next, so everything is up in the air right now.

Any good boys catching your eye?

Not at the moment. Most boys around the jello capital are not my type.

Do you blog up at home, at school, at work or at the Internet Fridge?

I can honestly say that I don't know what an "internet fridge" is, so I will say that I mainly blog at home. Final answer.

Is your new computer working a treat? Hey, when was the last time you cleaned up this room? It's looking like a total mess!

The new computer ROCKS! It's much nicer than the older one I was using.

How come you have good pictures of your brother, bins, trees and clouds, but all the pictures of you are crazy blurry, are you shy?

Because I was taking the pictures of my brother, bins, trees and clouds and someone else was taking the pictures of me! No. I'm totally kidding. Actually, it's because I'm not very good at photo editing, since I don't edit any of my other photos. I had to edit some other people out of the photos of myself and they ended up a bit fuzzy at the end. I've been planning to post some actual non-blurry photos, so look for those in the near future.

When was the last time you played in the toy section of a department store at 3am?

Actually, that was yesterday. Except it was 2am. It's much better at that time because all the little kids are home in bed, so we can have sword fights and test out all the toys without the possibility of injuring any small children.

Can you confirm that I'm in your Top 15 of Favourite Australian People Of All Time?

Yes. Considering that, beside you, I only know one other Australian person, you are actually in my Top 2 Favorite Australian People of All Time.

Have I asked far too many yes/no questions? Give me a break, this is my first interview ever!!

Yes and no. Congratulations on your first interview ever. I'm honored that you chose to interview me.

You're funny, why thank you. If interviewing other bloggers becomes a world-wide trend, are you totally excited that you were the first?

Yes. I think it rocks!

Thank you kindly for your time, are there any wise words you'd like to leave us with?

Holland is the only country to have a national dog.

Friday, May 06, 2005

His response

Admirable. You totally impress me sir !
Speak with you soon. "

Guess that's better than blacklisted or getting kicked in the teeth.


I just had a recruiter offer me a $1000 to find out the company of a job that a rival recruiter asked me about. I just sent him an e-mail saying that I wasn't going to do that, but gave him the contact details of the rival company. Long term integrity over short term gain, I hope I've made the right decision. What do you reckon? I know better than anyone that recruiters have no loyalty, and thus don't need to be shown any, I think I just objected to the prospect of being bought.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Did I ever....

... tell you the story of my accountant, the one who I gave money and all my documents to in November last year who then never returned an e-mail, never returned a phone call, never did the work and despite repeated requests won't send back the documentation.

Does anyone want to take up some random stalking?

Recently I found, using mighty mighty google, that she had been charged by the police and was going to court. Her courtcase was 10am yesterday and now all those details have been scrubbed from the website. What the heck does that mean?
I've been slack as, I really should have filed an application to take her to court myself but it's a huge effort to fill everything out. I've got to take it all the way though, or else she gets away with it, and boys and girls, that's not cool.