A little....

Why hello there, is this the totally awesome Birdy from
http://www.birdsovafeather.blogspot.com. How are you today?

Well, I'm just super fabulous. Thanks so much for asking. I've run over a total of 3 (three) small animals and clipped a small child on the way to the grocery this morning. So my day is pretty much complete.

Has anyone told you that your jokes are totally stupid and cute?!?
Also when do you reckon the last time someone told me to have a snazzy day was?

To be stupid AND cute... that's quite a feat. Please don't confuse that last word with 'teat,' because a 'teat' is a nipple thingee on a cow. But a 'feat' is something much snazzier and involves no animal extremities. And I TOTALLY didn't even know I made jokes on my blog but if you think I do then I may just have to have sex with you later.
And I hope someone told you to have a snazzy day at least once yesterday because I'm pretty sure I sent that memo out about not saying "have a good day" anymore.

Reading around, I totally get a feel for people's blogness, like they only write the light stuff, or the heavy stuff, or they only write when they are grumpy or only when they have a funny story. Your blog totally dabbles in really light hearted fun stuff and totally rockin' deep personal stuff. What is your favourite colour?

My FAVORITE color is green (jeez, don't they teach you people to spell down under? Ugh. Sorry. I'm pretty sure someone has already made fun of your linguistic idiosyncracies but it's JUST SO FUCKING EASY. kisses!). I love green because... well, I don't really fucking know. I think I started paying ATTENTION to green when I was in the 7th grade, way back in 1991. I had this Browning jacket (a jacket renown the world over by hunters and a huge fad in Natchez, Mississippi around this time) that was a very lovely green; not olive, not emerald, not sage-- just beautiful green. And this girl came up to me one day and told me my eyes were the same color as that jacket. And I was so excited- because I thought my eyes had magically turned from baby-poo hazel to extravagant green- that I decided to wear all the green I could. Vanity ROCKS.

No, I'm kidding, my question is, who are you writing to? What gets you a' typin'?

Hmmmm my movitivation would probably be... trying to snatch me up one of them good-lookin fellers and later poppin out some greasy, bloody kid out of my vaginey.
I'll be damned-- that image grosses me out.
Moving along.
I'm writing, in a way, to my parents-- because as much as I love them I've never been able to tell them much. I've always been afraid I'd frighten them off. :) So all the things that piss me off, make me sad, make me happy, irritate, grate, bolster, and any other descriptive word you'd like to insert-- are used when I write. I feel a little insane sometimes (thanks, Pfizer!) so maybe I'm hoping that by having an outlet and by having confirmation that I'm just as whacked out as everyone else, I'll wake up one morning and go "Gee, the sun is shining, my ass has magically shrunk, my tummy is flat and toned, my bank account is stable and there's a hot bastard lying in my bed, waiting to shag me senseless. LIFE IS GRAND."

Do you ever read back over your own stuff? Which bits are your favourites?

I re-read every now and again-- I love the 2nd entry I wrote- I made up some spoof newstory about Christmas shoppers and the "Scent of Christmas." That one probably makes no sense to anyone outside of Arkansas, but I'm just too damn lazy to explain. But in short, I love that kind of ridiculous satire. I also love the story about the crackhead that approached me while washing my car. I had on no makeup, hadn't bathed, my clothes were rank-- and he's smooth trying to pull himself a piece of ass.

You can't get a tattoo because you don't want any part of your body displayed, but your little photo shows that you have cool shoulders.
Have you ever thought of getting a tattoo of the word "adam" on your wrist? I think it would look great with your hair colour.

I would only consider getting a tattoo of a guy's name after I'd had sex with him on the way to an awards show, kept a vial of blood around my neck and made out with my brother. WAIT. SHIT. Sorry, I confused myself with Angelina Jolie.

I have cool shoulders? Who'dathunkit?

And I thought we discussed keeping our relationship private, Adam. If I tattoo your name on my wrist, everyone will know I've been humping THE ADAM and I won't be able to rest for all the paparazzi clamoring for my picture.

I've seen a few of these 100 things around the traps and yours was by far the most amazing, how good is alcohol?

Wow. It's "amazing" and I've just barely hit the mid-way mark. I swear to god I'm going to try and finish that crap this week. Ugh. I think I'll go grab a sharp object to stab in my head because there's a good chance it could swell. And alcohol, well, alcohol is a friend that has NEVER, and I mean NEVER let me down. I mean, what other friend can say they've seen you naked and shivering on a bathroom floor after downing a half bottle of Tequila? What friend can say they've seen the insides of the toilet you've thrown up in after aforementioned bottle of Tequila with nothing in your stomach but red Kool-Aid? And WHAT FRIEND can say they've seen you eat Saltine crackers for 3 straight days because your body was in a perpetual and ceaseless drunken stupor so heinous not even stray cats would come near you? Well, I think that pretty much says it all, my friend. Alcohol is a force to be reckoned with. And never, NEVER lets you down.

How is your funky new work friend? Is she also making a way groovy stand against stupid software?

My funky new work friend, or FNWF, or Phnwoof is doing quite well. After 2 straight weeks of drooling over HottieR, Phnwoof finally got herself a piece of ass last night. Aparently he was quite good. Downside: She works with him. Oh, and he has a girlfriend. But girlfriend is in another state and as the song goes... "I've got ho's.... in different area codes....." So therefore he is completely relinquished of the usual "cheating bastard boyfriend" punishment. Which would include but not be limited to: 1) Being tied to a chair and being poked with a stick. Repeatedly. 2) Having four dozen Peeps (scary faux marshmallow things shaped to look like chickens sold during Easter) stuffed into his mouth. 3) Mild electro-shock therapy. 4) Mild-severe electro-shock therapy. and 5) Having the gonads sawed off with a wooden spoon and then nailing them to the wall to dry into prunish little sacks of cheating sperm.

And I don't think Phnwoof participating in the war against The Man. Me, I've started writing my packaging slips out by hand again after my brief incident involving a mis-sent package. I think Computer Nazi gave up or is biding his time...

Have you ever been to Peru?

No, I have not. But I HAVE been to The Netherlands where I smoked pot in the boat on the river featured prominently in a Cheech and Chong feature film. You know, even when pot is legal, I still don't like it. But damn I wish I did. It's not fun to say you vomited every time you got high in Amsterdam. It sounds way cooler to say you frollicked through the paved streets of Amsterdam while floating on a cloud of marijuana.

Peru was on the Amazing Race. For that matter, tell us that you've never had any reality TV moments. Please? Pretty please with a cherry on top?

I've SO NEVER BEEN ON REALITY TV but motherfuck am I addicted to that crap. It's truly a vicious, evil cycle. I love reality shows where people hookup, fight, cheat, scam, lie and burn buildings down.

One of my workmates just lost her entire days work because she saved it on the temp directory and then reset her computer. I'm about to take her out Friday night drinking, any advice for the computerly-braindead?

Well, it's past Friday here- as I was a wee bit tired after down the "Big Gulp" of Dos Equis beer at Senor Tequilas. But my advice to her is: BURN THE BUILDING DOWN.

Do you know of any shots or cocktails that cure that kind of silly behaviour?

One part apple juice, one part vodka, sprinkle with cinnamon on top-- SHOOT IT-- then chase with whipped cream. It's like Mom's apple pie only your a lot fucking happier after drinking this kid. And you can never go wrong with martini's-- it's ALL ALCOHOL-- so it's not a waste of space like most pansy girl drinks.

Have you seen the UK version of The Office?

Yes. And America's TV execs have now decided to make a version of it because apparently the riotiously funny British version is way too hard to understand for the majority of under-educated white trash hill billies. Not that I'm bitter, or anything.

Hey, where did the nickname Birdy come from? Are you aware that it's totally cute?

There are two stories:

1) My brother one day noticed that the fat bird with a red chest outside on the windowsill was the same name as his sister-- and had great fun pointing at the bird and saying "BIRDIE!" and then pointing at me and saying "BIRDIE" and then laughing devilishly.

2) I was precocious and very intelligent for my young, tender age and discovered that the beautiful black and red birds outside also carried the same name as me. I was never confused with this association becaus quite obviously I was not a bird. But I made it clear I understood that the beautiful bird and my name were closely related, and hence the name "Birdie" was born.

Have you ever yelled out the phrase "pash party!!" while holding a digital camera? If not, can I dare you to try it tonight?

I'm going to try it out tonight while drinking in a bar downtown. I'm so very curious-- does it have something to do with homosexual lovin or maybe sex with cows?

Neither, but who really knows about the orgins of these things..... No, sometimes a good pash party helps makes the world go round. Especially if there are people around that should be pashing each other.

I totally love awesome bands that set to rock the world's stage but
are still kinda playing local gigs. Have you got a good one for us?

Hmmm... The Donnas are pretty tasty though they're a bit bigger than "local" status. But they rock out like only a true chick band can. And Starkz is a local band of the original context and also rocks out- with their cock out-- because they are an all-dude band. Though I've never seen cock at one of their shows. Well, I've seen dudes that probably have cocks under their underoos, but I've never seen the BAND displaying said cock.

The Donnas are a bit of an alright.
Thank you totally for this interview. Are you aware that you rock?!?

Well, there was this one notice I got from the FBI but I threw it away with the junkmail because I knew it would never be really true, TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY TRUE, until The Adam had deemed it so.

Thank you and Good Day.