The muthafreakin' realness or similar.
Hi, is this That's Mister Nora to you Sonny from http://cremated.blogspot.com? How are you today?
'Tragically sober', thanks for asking. Apart from that, today I am obviously pretty pumped about the upcoming Unmanned Aerial Vehicles Conference (www.ttcus.com/uav) in Arlington. Like I don't want to brag or anything but "This comprehensive conference will examine the gamut of UAV programs, platforms, and missions and identify the hottest issues in the industry that are calling for your organization’s involvement."
I don't know about you but my organisation has totally been ravaged by epileptic seizures of excitement in anticipation of the Hottest Issues in Unmanned Aerial Vehicles.
Whoa! You just came back from Adventures in the Lands of Not-Australia, did you catch anything?
Not much, just some Racisms, Liver Diseases, and a bit of Fondue. I tried to catch some Street Urchins and the like for Souvenirs of Abroad, but those little fuckers run like they have six legs/modern engines/Nuclear Powers etc. Basically I was just glad not to catch Herpes and/or Ebolas.
Any Lands/Populace you and The Dude thought were fairly rad?
OK Germans are not on my list of Great Peoples of the World right now due to various "VEE AVE LOZT YOUR BAGZ, HAHA!! NOT SO SMUG ABOUT ZE WARZ NOW, ARE YOU, DIRTY LEETLE CONVICTZ!! HAHA!!!" type incidents....but Berlin was pretty fucking awesome. Overall, though, for an unbeatable experience involving heaps of Sheer Horror, a bit of Civilization in Decline, and some Excellent Neon Signage, it's hard to go past America, which was basically as Crazy as you could ever hope a place could be, only more so.
NB I should note that my findings about Foreign things generally might be in danger of being 'Grossly Untrue and Wholly Unsubstantiated' given that for quite a lot of our Holidays me and The Dude just sat around and investigated Alcohols of the World (our research in that department was fucking thorough though, you know. I could write a motherfucking PhD in that shit).
Did you travel to the Northcote Wine Monkey's country of origin to spread vicious lies about him selling merchantable products at competitive prices?
Sadly I did not have the pleasure of visiting whatever Stinking Two Bit Backwater spat out the Wine Monkey approximately 600 million years ago, but I'm pretty sure it's basically just like any other fetid Paleozoic Era swamp home to Bloated Rodents and Foetus Like Creatures armed with fangs, glowing genitals and SCANDALOUSLY MISLEADING SALES PITCHES.
In other news, I have it on good authority that the Northcote Wine Monkey now lives either somewhere beneath a Portaloo, or at home in the Villa of Satan. Wherever it is, it's sure to be completely decked out in the manner of Franco Cozzo.
I.E. LIKE OLD SCHOOL HELL ONLY HEAPS WORSE.
Please fess up, who is better at the Getting Of Drunk; you, A Medieval Bishop or The Dude?
Oh, man, The Dude is like a super fit Marathon runner of Drink. I don't like to compete with him in these events, he makes everyone else look amateur. I guess sometimes he has an off game but most of the time he is like Dorothy Parker and I am stuck being Lindsay Lohan.
The Medieval Bishop is a wildcard entrant but he probably beats the shit out of both of us at all events involving the Blood of Christ.
Those childs you call The Cats seem to be more hairy and slothlike than most childs. Are they actually teenagers?
OMG how did you know. I like to call them "Cats" because obviously it doesn't look good for me that I am old enough to have teen childs; also this small deceit prevents DHS Child Protection Agencies from getting too interested in what some really uptight cunts might refer to as "negligent substandard and abusive child rearing practices". I guess now The Cat is Out of the Bag (HA HA), I will just have to deal with it.
Would you mind dispelling a rumour for us? Is it not true that the website called IOYC is just you writing in a girly voice? You both seem to have a similarly awesome command of English, as childs did you have the same Dean of Expressions?
Hah! That's very kind of you, but unfortunately it is probably more accurate to describe me as 'petty thief of stylez' than 'alter ego of genius'.
Also, obviously IOYC deals in Facts, whereas I am pretty much limited to 'rumour and innuendo'.
How many jobs do you currently have? Are you a hardcore Private Investigator or a Professional of Lore?
I used to have several jobs, but having Multiple Places of Employment was kind of getting to be about as much fun as having Multiple Schlerosis, so I have cut down to just the one. I won't go into much detail as it would fully make you implode with Self-Annihilating Envy about how Amazing and Exciting my life is, but basically I sit in an office with some cunts all day and wish I were dead.
Who is your favourite friend in the whole world? What is their favourite colour/shape?
Well it used to be Claudie the Roach who lived in my bathroom, but she seems to have packed it in and fucked off to a more tropical climate, so I hardly ever see her any more, ungrateful little bitch. Luckily I still have quite a few lovely fellow drunks and some Other Upstanding Citizens who are happy to hang out with me and The Dude, but I can't really choose between them any more than I can choose between The Rich List and 1 v 100. Like, sometimes even Deal or No Deal has it's place.
Nonetheless I believe I can speak with confidence when I say that their favourite colour is "faeces" and their favourite shape is oblong.
Since you're the only person in the whole world covering the threat that is squirrels teaming up with the rats of the sky, what are we to do? Aren't they are too little to be hurt by bazookas and/or nuclear missles filled with computer viruses? Do we throw armadillos/emos at them? Cry "Anyone for a game of baby Seal Tennis?"
I think the nuclear missiles filled with computer viruses option is the clear winner, although they might need to be supplemented with some "UN Peace Talks" and the like for the sake of appearances. Also, I am currently in talks with the Pentagon re harnessing an army of Genital Warts to take down the more Hardened/Adorable of these militant critters, but those dudes are like constantly distracted by their latest War on Air Conditioning or whatever it is that they do. Sometimes I feel so alone.
Thanks heaps for this interview of awesomeness/the rad. Do you have any parting words for the gazillions (if not thousands) of readers out there?
"OMG WTF LOLZ!!1!"
you totally can quote me on that.