Assume the crash position

So, you all know I came out recently.
Cara was a bit surprised but a bit excited too.
After the initial excitement of a whole new world opening up to her, it got a bit emotional.

There were things about her in my blog, especially in the early days, that I've long forgotten and forgiven. It was a bit rough on both of us, we had a couple of discussions that we never had at the time and neither of us were expecting to visit now.

After Cara got a bit upset with some of the posts, she decided to only read the now and not worry about what had been. I could only remember interviewing bloggers and telling stories about riding on the footpath so then I started to read my own blog from the start and it didn't take me too long before I had to give it away, it really did dredge up old, old emotions, ie, ancientness, fear of starting a meal without my pillbox/circle cushion, etc.

Have you guys ever re-read your old posts?
Tell you what, I'm glad I have it all, as a marker of time and a snapshot of the rollercoaster of emotions but it's totally not easy to tackle.

At the start I really only created posts to vent, to get crap out of my system so I could move on. When I'm upset about something, I really, totally focus on it until it's unleashed. It consumes me and I can't focus on anything else. Venting via blog allowed me to expel and refocus on work and eating.

After a while I stopped writing it and started telling Cara. I actually got betterer at putting words like 'I don't like...' into sentences which is way hard for boys that are lovely. I also started not venting in my blog because I was gearing it up to be read by my friends when we traveled. In the end I didn't use it as a travel diary and just kept it to myself.

However, in the same week as my coming out of the blog shadows to Cara, the brilliant writer TT who is marrying our awesome friend Sophie across the globe found my blog too. I really wanted to tell Sophie about my blog because I've loved hers for months and just as I went to leave a comment with 'Adam' instead of 'Anon' I noticed one of our Melbourne friends had left a comment on Sophie's. Which means he may know about Cara's. Then TT linked to both of us in his blog and in an e-mail I thought Sophie had said she given our bloglinks to this Melbourne dude (but she hadn't) who knows all our friends and in the same week the most excellent Bevis gave Cara a bloggy Christmas present that detective types could have used to worked out who she was. Since he is awesome like some awe, he changed his post. Quite lovely, that one.

At the same time I've been writing a post about my workmates and unable to do so because they keep interrupting me at my desk... and I couldn't write any other posts until I expunged that one. Then I got a new dude sitting next to my desk who kept busting me reading everyone's blogs and who hinted that he knows a bit about the blogworld himself. Unrelated, yesterday I found out that the lovely Deb's boyfriend knows a dude in my team at work.

So, this blog that I've kept totally secret to each one of my friends, family, work dudes and chicks for 2 years has been nearly totally outted like a million times this week. Maybe even a billion.

I think I'm good now.
It's not really a big deal, but there are bits in this blog about work people or my friends that I don't want them to read, but I don't want to delete the posts either. I like the opportunity I've created here to share or vent various things in a way that is completely one-sided in my favour. I like to blog and then forget about it. I don't want to receive e-mails from friends who didn't like how I presented something or have to justify my posts at the pub or at a party. I don't want to tell stories in a way that is totally not offensive to every person I know. I'm happy with my little gang here and I'm especially happy to extend that gang to include Cara, Sophie and TT. I hope they stay and enjoy a little visit here, because, with their blogs I now feel closer to them than evs.

All this has totally shown me the value I place in this little html code. It is more than $6.00AUD.