Sunday, January 14, 2007

Assume the crash position

So, you all know I came out recently.
Cara was a bit surprised but a bit excited too.
After the initial excitement of a whole new world opening up to her, it got a bit emotional.

There were things about her in my blog, especially in the early days, that I've long forgotten and forgiven. It was a bit rough on both of us, we had a couple of discussions that we never had at the time and neither of us were expecting to visit now.

After Cara got a bit upset with some of the posts, she decided to only read the now and not worry about what had been. I could only remember interviewing bloggers and telling stories about riding on the footpath so then I started to read my own blog from the start and it didn't take me too long before I had to give it away, it really did dredge up old, old emotions, ie, ancientness, fear of starting a meal without my pillbox/circle cushion, etc.

Have you guys ever re-read your old posts?
Tell you what, I'm glad I have it all, as a marker of time and a snapshot of the rollercoaster of emotions but it's totally not easy to tackle.

At the start I really only created posts to vent, to get crap out of my system so I could move on. When I'm upset about something, I really, totally focus on it until it's unleashed. It consumes me and I can't focus on anything else. Venting via blog allowed me to expel and refocus on work and eating.

After a while I stopped writing it and started telling Cara. I actually got betterer at putting words like 'I don't like...' into sentences which is way hard for boys that are lovely. I also started not venting in my blog because I was gearing it up to be read by my friends when we traveled. In the end I didn't use it as a travel diary and just kept it to myself.

However, in the same week as my coming out of the blog shadows to Cara, the brilliant writer TT who is marrying our awesome friend Sophie across the globe found my blog too. I really wanted to tell Sophie about my blog because I've loved hers for months and just as I went to leave a comment with 'Adam' instead of 'Anon' I noticed one of our Melbourne friends had left a comment on Sophie's. Which means he may know about Cara's. Then TT linked to both of us in his blog and in an e-mail I thought Sophie had said she given our bloglinks to this Melbourne dude (but she hadn't) who knows all our friends and in the same week the most excellent Bevis gave Cara a bloggy Christmas present that detective types could have used to worked out who she was. Since he is awesome like some awe, he changed his post. Quite lovely, that one.

At the same time I've been writing a post about my workmates and unable to do so because they keep interrupting me at my desk... and I couldn't write any other posts until I expunged that one. Then I got a new dude sitting next to my desk who kept busting me reading everyone's blogs and who hinted that he knows a bit about the blogworld himself. Unrelated, yesterday I found out that the lovely Deb's boyfriend knows a dude in my team at work.

So, this blog that I've kept totally secret to each one of my friends, family, work dudes and chicks for 2 years has been nearly totally outted like a million times this week. Maybe even a billion.

I think I'm good now.
It's not really a big deal, but there are bits in this blog about work people or my friends that I don't want them to read, but I don't want to delete the posts either. I like the opportunity I've created here to share or vent various things in a way that is completely one-sided in my favour. I like to blog and then forget about it. I don't want to receive e-mails from friends who didn't like how I presented something or have to justify my posts at the pub or at a party. I don't want to tell stories in a way that is totally not offensive to every person I know. I'm happy with my little gang here and I'm especially happy to extend that gang to include Cara, Sophie and TT. I hope they stay and enjoy a little visit here, because, with their blogs I now feel closer to them than evs.

All this has totally shown me the value I place in this little html code. It is more than $6.00AUD.


At 4:56 PM, Blogger meva said...

Adam's back!! YAY!!

I only have 1 person who I've told about my blog, and I think I'd go all shy and careful if other people I know from my life out there read it.

So, boy who really is lovely, in the immortal words of BJ, don't go changing.

At 7:52 PM, Blogger Enny said...

Aww man - it's been a rough week, eh?

I had something similar - the only people who knew were The Hun and my youngest bro (I told him when we were drunk and he was talking about his (non updated) blog. Somewhere along the line my middle bro found out, then told my eldest bro and his gf, of which a LOT of things had been about causing an EPIC breakdown on her behalf and giving me even less respect... (tho thats another story that I just can' VENT ANYWHERE NOW!!!)... I also know at least one other friend found it after meltdown by googling terms I'd mentioned, and I think my dad's friend found it! It was the most stressful awkward two days of my life, that were then streched out to a fortnight or so due the way some people 'handled' it all...

I've skimmed through my archives to do my '1 year' post, and I also went back through and removed some work stuff - I was terrified that other people would totally go mental like I'd just seen.

And while, duh, it's on the internet so it's for everyone, it's a pain that it can't be for EVERYONE now because of the fear of what you REALLY think causing more issues than it's worth.

I'm really glad it went so well for you Adam =o)

At 8:48 PM, Blogger Mars said...

it's weird, i used to have a blog where i used my own name and put up photos and stuff... but then i thought i'd kinda like to go anon so i could be my true nasty self and be a bit more removed from what i was saying to other people. as we all know, we got outted on our blog by a friend of dot's and we also think her sister and boyfriend know about it after googling 'soy bundts' of all things. not to mention the fact that i email way more people while pretending not to be me that i ever did while i was me.. and ya know, we even met kiki and stuff. and THEN i went and put my head up on the 365 day thing which pretty much anyone with half a brain would be able to find.

in conclusion: i feel much less anonymous on my 'anonymous blog' than i ever did when i was being myself.

i wouldn't mind starting again, but i'd have to find a whole new blog-gang to hang out with cause you'd probably all work out it was me when i started swearing excessively or something, and well, i can't be bothered doing that.

At 9:03 PM, Blogger Enny said...

mars - we need to make up a jpg we can post as a disclaimer that we're gonna be honest and it's not our fault if they get cut... seriously, I have VAULTS of stuff I'd like to rant about and just can't! Like driving to my parents house to take their car to drive over to the other side of town because you are just that tight - WHO DOES THAT?!?!!!

At 9:04 PM, Blogger Enny said...

adam - sorry for hijacking your comments. I'm full of carbs.

At 6:57 AM, Blogger Jobe said...

I can understand why you'd be worried about her reading the archives. If she sees the interviews you did of me and realises how awesome I am then it'd all be over like that.

At 12:30 PM, Blogger tokenwoman said...

Why do you think I put mine behind a password? :P

At 12:05 AM, Blogger TryingTimes said...


Re you being outed; I dropped one, soz.

Deleted the link in mine, feel free to delete the contributory comment in yours.

Looking at my ISP-related stats for the period in question I'd say you're safe from my particular section of the cosmos.

Going back over old posts... it's almost therapeutic and bordering on the cathartic to relive what was occupying my head x years ago; a very interesting experience.




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