Tuesday, January 16, 2007

The Hottest Skills for 2007

There are many differences between myself and the little red rockstar, but I'd say the biggest difference is straight up hotness.

I am daaaaaaamn hot.
She is not.

For a coupling though, this works a bit alright for us.
I heat her up and she cools me down.
They always say the really hot ones always go for people far less hot than themselves.

When Cara was up in Brisbane she was totally doona'd up why I could manage a sheet at best. If anyone wants to invent a half-sheet/half-massive-doona, you have my blessing.

So, now that you know the back story, I want tell you that I sleep in my underwear, and it was in my underwear that I leapt out of bed last night. Leapt, I tells ya!

At midnight last night, a big fatty boomba alarm completely startled my everything. I knew at once what it was, chucked all the lights on and ran to grab a broom.
Stupid, goddam smoke alarm.

Since I am so hot, I usually have all the external doors and windows open and living in a way high density, hugely apartmented area I imagine every man and his little fluffy apartment dog was watching me wave the broom around and trying to hit the retardedly small hush button.

Cursing my unglasses'd eyeballs and moving like a 90s superdude I grabbed a chair and tackled the dectector on the ceiling, elevating my undied form for everyone to see.

Son of a Damn, it was fully wired into the ceiling.
Stupid, goddam smoke alarm.

The hush button didn't work, and the alarm was so so loud. Shockingly loud. The front section wouldn't twist off, I couldn't get to the battery. I wrestled with it for ages, which in loud piercing noise terms is superages and couldn't affect it.

Eventually it turned off itself.
Whoa! Like, phew, totally.

And turned straight back on.Taking me by surprise, I nearly fell off the chair and nearly ripped the whole thing from the ceiling. In my desperation, I nearly thought about it anyway, but then I remembered that I need to look decent if I'm going to risk electrocution.

By hitting it hard, I managed to turn it off, but then a second later it would turn back on. After a while of trying to wrestle the casing off, the hush button started to work, then it stopped working.

During one pause, I chucked some clothes on.
During another pause, I grabbed my phone.

It got to the point where the best I could do was press against the speaker so it only deafened me and not so much my neighbours.

My arms were getting sore and the smoke alarm was so hot I was getting burnt on the palm of my hands. My building manager didn't answer his mobile.

I could now smell smoke, I think the wires in the smoke dectector were burning.
I was exhausted and out of ideas when I heard a soft knock at the door. 6 floors down the building manager happened to be awake and detectively went out side to see which was the only apartment had their light on.

He managed to remove a clip which removed a wirey plug and got it off the ceiling. It was still going. I wanted to chuck it in the pool but the manager broke a bit to get the battery out. It was still going.

He threw it in his tool bag and it finally ran out of juice. Now it was just making loud 'battery dead' sounds - it was freakin' invincible.

Ears ringing and with burnt hands I went back to bed.

I do have a quick message for smoke detector manufacturers: Good Invincibility, maybe make them less internally flamable.


At 1:18 PM, Blogger meva said...


I hate smoke alarms. When you cook like I do, you learn to hate smoke alarms really quickly.

At 1:49 PM, Blogger Mars said...

smoke alarms are stupid. the inconvenience of them going off all the time is not relative to the number of times i'm likely to burn down a house.

At 7:22 PM, Blogger GBE said...

Woah! You've uncovered one of my worst fears, Adam. We have ridiculously high ceilings and if that son of a bitch ever goes off, there is no way to stop it. We just have to curl up in the foetal position until our ears to bleed. And I don't know why we have it all, because most of this place is made of asbestos, which everyone knows is fire-retardant.


Oh. Wait.

At 9:34 PM, Blogger Angel said...

Smoke alarms are the very worst! Thankfully I don't have one where I stay but friends of mine have the stupid things going off all the time, especially when cooking!

At 12:20 AM, Blogger Aussie Rock Chick said...

That is the most ridiculous thing!!!! I wonder if you could sue the smoke alarm company for ear damage from their faulty alarm?? And if the faulty wires had burned the place down, what then??

Hehehe pity your place isn't fitted with a sprinkler system - that would have cooled you down to my level pretty quickly!! ;-P

At 12:24 AM, Blogger Aussie Rock Chick said...

PS I am currently sitting in boxers and a singlet with my feet in a bucket of cold water... hot enough for ya???

Specifically 31.7c. At midnight.

At 1:42 AM, Blogger BEVIS said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 1:43 AM, Blogger BEVIS said...

Whoa! Do you guys know how to paint a metaphoric picture, or WHAT!

First, Adam regales us all with his Speilberg-esque tale of The Night From Hell (Flames Included!), and then Aussie Rock Chick goes and conjures up totally inappropriate images of ... well, ... you read it yourselves, you dirty people. I ain't goin' there again just for YOUR filthy benefits!

I'm so glad the stories of your 'cliquey' gatherings have finished. I was feeling mighty left out and entirely unlike Adam's most favouritest blogger for a while there. But now I can go back to feeling like I'm in The Cool Club again.

Yay for ideas that make me a lot of money! I’m gonna go patent that half-sheet, half-massive-doona thing before anyone else does – it’ll make me a MINT!

Thanks for sharing!

At 9:33 AM, Blogger kiki said...

can i get one of those half-sheet / half-doona things too please?

At 10:13 AM, Blogger Deb said...

Well... There's not really much I can say to that..

great balls of fire?

At 11:50 AM, Blogger BEVIS said...

Absolutely, Kiki. I'm offering a special discount rate to Adam and all of his friends. Just three easy payments of $459.95 (plus $39.95 postage and handling). It's the least I can do for the guy who originally gave me the idea for this money-spinner and then left me to copyright the idea in my own name. How cool is he.

Normal retail price for the 'Shoona' (TM) is $1695.95 - tell all your friends to get one.

At 12:12 PM, Anonymous enny said...

The shoona sounds like a good idea except you haven't taken into consideration one type of sleeper - the hot dog roller.

The hot dog roller is a sleeper who will roll themselves up in the doona while sleeping, leaving the other to freeze. My hot dog roller is male, leaving me (the colder blooded female) to freeze double time.

BUT WAIT! The hot dog roller could start with the sheet and leave the other person the dooner.


At 1:33 PM, Blogger Adam said...

It's only upon reflection that I've worked out how close my long life dreams were to realisation: to be the focus of Newspaper Oddspots and WTF websites the world over. I can just hear the morning announcers now, "and in news down under, Adam Awesome, Brisbane, survived a fire caused by his smoke alarm" "Ha ha Diane, I've always said smoking alarms'll kill ya".

Ms Meva, the first time I lived by myself I used to set the smoke alarm off every single day, but that was in the day when they were merely 'alerting' rather than piercing. In the end I had to stick in the cupboard. Ironically, I had to move because the landlords sold it - and it burnt down within 3 months.

Ms Mars, I feel the same way about motorbike helmets; America has the right idea, optionality. The inconvenience of having hat...

P.S) That statement you just made, Cara and her sister can't say the same thing. Ha. Dobbed.

GBE, Whoa! Freakin'
Also, pffft. You don't need to worry, those high ceiling'd smoke alarms will only go off if the top of the cupboard or the ceiling fan catches fire. Maybe bring a ladder into the house so that if you yourself ever catch on fire you can climb up to set the alarm off thus alerting John/budgies.

Leeky, maybe your friends should stop cooking via inhouse bonfire?

Little red, what then? The Age Oddspot and then worldwide fame, FAME!

Pfft, you and your extremes.

Big Blogger Bevis, of course your my favouritest blogger ever - remember that time when I listed my top ten favourite interviews? You were in that top ten! Whooo!
If that doesn't say BBB is Ace then I don't know what does.

Also, enough of the yakkity yak yak; get with the inventing, patenting and distributing. I want one for late March when I'm back in Melbs forevs. You've got my blessing, goity go go!

Deb, whoa! That's so something an old drunk uncle would say at a family gathering. Good for you for reaching outside the repressing confines of young 'n' hip humour.

Bevis, get the Shoona(TM) on Big Brother 07. The antics of the housemates deciding on who gets which side will be hilarious/lead to a bit of dancing.

The Enny, duh! Why didn't we think of that? Caras struggled with the doona config in Brisbane because we only wanted to use half, but the other half would drag the whole thing to the floor. SHE SHOULD HAVE JUST ROLLED UP. Genius!

Also Enny, doona each. Or Shoona(TM) at discount prices. By reading this blog your life has improved by a Massive Percent.

At 1:38 PM, Blogger Adam said...

Blog Memo.

I've had this in my head for 3 days:

Charles in Charge of our days and our nights
Charles in Charge of our wrongs and our rights

And I sing, I want, I want Charles in Charge of me.


At 2:53 PM, Blogger meva said...

I was going to do a Charles in Charge post! True! Have you been peeping in my brain, young Adam?

At 3:04 PM, Blogger Kris said...

Our did that too in college...we had ours dissembled the whole year we were there.

At 3:33 PM, Blogger Adam said...

Your Shoona(TM) was dissembled? Those monsters!!

Meva, I just peeped for a second and I promise never to do it again. The consequences are far too great WHEN WILL THE HORROR STOP?

At 9:59 PM, Blogger BEVIS said...

"Adam Awesome", eh? FINALLY, a surname!

Thanks for your blessing. The Shoona (TM) is currently being manufactured by a warehouse full of underprivileged children and out-of-work Home and Away actors. It should be available for mass distribution by mid-February.

SPECIAL PRE-ORDER BONUS!! If you pre-order a Shoona (TM) before the end of January, you could go in the running to find a hidden prize inside your Shoona (TM)!

(Les 'Blake' Hill accidentally dropped a shard of glass inside one of the doona sides, and we couldn't find it before it was sewn up to the sheet side.)

At 1:47 PM, Blogger gigglewick said...

My friends had their smoke alarms hard-wired into the house, something they were advised to do when they renovated.

Unfortunately for them, an electrical short in the smoke alarm system completely burned out the inside of their roof before Ms Fits-endorsed firemen came to their rescue.

And not a peep out of the alarm.

Meanwhile, burning saucepans on the stove might set off the smoke alarm, but smoke alarm does not wake sleeping 9 month old child. Who knew?

At 10:52 PM, Blogger Aussie Rock Chick said...

Whoa, Les Hill, is that that guy's name?? Kind've an old sounding name for a not-that-old guy, isn't it? I swear that guy is everywhere, find him on a door or behind a bar at your choice of dodgy Melbourne nightclubs...

When being served by him I keep wanting to call him Blake but figure it's a part of his life he'd rather forget.

Other notable Melbourne hospitality workers have included Hannah from Neighbours and Rivers from Heartbreak High... god that was a good show...

At 11:27 PM, Blogger BEVIS said...

I [heart] Heartbreak High.

At 11:28 AM, Blogger Adam said...

Cara, wasn't it Blake that was on the door of that Salsa nightclub in Sydney we went to?

At 6:25 PM, Blogger Aussie Rock Chick said...

Oh god it was!!! That's what I meant when I said that guy is everywhere - not only Dodgy Melbourne Nightclubs but Dodgy Brisbane Ones too.

Maybe he's stalking me... bloody hell! What's the use of having a ninja boyfriend if you still get stalked by L-grade celebrites?

At 7:18 PM, Blogger Adam said...

Imagine how bad you'd get stalked by L grade celebrities if you didn't have a ninja boyfriend...

Do you know how many times I've had to chase away Daryl Cotton and Wilbur Wilde?

At 11:29 AM, Blogger Mars said...

when are they going to release the box set of the heartbreak high episodes, i ask you? that show was possibly one of the best shows to ever come out of the ABC (and the chaser, spics & specs etc and so forth)..

At 4:54 PM, Blogger Aussie Rock Chick said...

Wilbur Wilde??? Oh my god Adam, I owe you my life.

Mars I was wondering the same thing. The websites say it's not happening. Bastards. But wasn't it on Channel 10? Maybe it switched to ABC later on...? I'm positive the early (best) days were on 10. I would so buy the DVDs though! Can't wait to torture Adam with all five seasons, or was it six??

At 4:49 PM, Blogger Adam said...

I do believe, young lady, that it started on ABC, then we everyone realised it was super awesome, Channel 10 bought it, but by then it just wasn't as good...

At 8:31 PM, Blogger Mars said...

sweet, i was right.


At 3:48 PM, Blogger crankybee said...

Cannot be arsed going through all your comments to see if anyone has informed you of this, but if you ever move to the UK, you CAN get such a doona! MArks and Spencer's make them, and doonas in the Uk are measured by 'tog'. 4.5 is a light one, 13 is a heavy. This duvet (doona) had a 5 tog one side, a seam, and a 14 tog for the wife on the other!

At 1:52 AM, Blogger Aussie Rock Chick said...

Nah, I reckon it was the other way round. Channel 10 did the first few years, then it got shit and they stopped making money off it so they sold it to Aunty. I reckon.

At 1:54 AM, Blogger Aussie Rock Chick said...

PS Good old Marks n Sparks. Thanks Crankybee, you just revolutionised bedtime!! When are you going there to get us one?

At 4:10 AM, Blogger Dot said...

i'm gonna get one of those Shoona things and sleep with the doona part over my feet and the sheet part over my body, because i'm a hottie and a coldie all in one package.

At 3:26 PM, Blogger Aussie Rock Chick said...

Geez Dot how did you find a partner who's a hottie & a coldie in reverse? Pretty impressive! All I had to do was find a hottie and that was hard enough!! Or maybe you didn't and that's why you need the shoona... too bad.

At 12:55 AM, Blogger BEVIS said...

Ahem ... your attention, please ... "TV Is My Life" dude talking, here ...

Heartbreak High was aired on Network Ten between 1994 and 1996, and then on the ABC between 1997 and 1999.

Additionally, the first part of season one on DVD can be purchased online ... if you're prepared to watch it in German. It'd probably have English subtitles, though.


I thank you.

At 12:22 AM, Anonymous Someone Who Isn't BEVIS said...


Wow, that BEVIS guy sure knows his stuff! He's amazing!

At 12:23 AM, Anonymous Someone Else Who Isn't BEVIS said...


Yeah, I've been marvelling at his stuff for months! Let's all go and vote for him on the 2007 Blog Awards!

At 12:26 AM, Anonymous BEVIS Is The Greatest said...


I don't know who you other two people are, but I like the way you think!

BEVIS is a true master of his craft. And his craft is TV! And The Muppets. And other stuff he may bring up from time to time, like always finding a car park right at the door to wherever he's going. And correct semi-colon usage.

At 12:26 AM, Anonymous I Hate BEVIS said...

Will you lot piss off!

At 9:01 AM, Blogger Adam said...

That Bevis character really does invoke a lot of emotions in people, he must really be great/shabby.

At 11:38 PM, Blogger Aussie Rock Chick said...

Ahem... does this mean, Mr Bevis, God Of Television, that I was right?

No... Adam, surely that couldn't be??

At 4:35 PM, Blogger BEVIS said...

You were. Adam and Mars are the ones who had it arse-over-tit (as the bishop said to the netball team).


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