Monday, January 29, 2007

You got a question for me?

Whoa!
Whoa! Whoa!
I got totally slammed on the weekend.
I had to justify my non-excitement about getting engaged so many times,
it was pretty hardcore. I don't mind people elbowing me and asking when
I'm going to be popping any questions, but I wasn't expecting such emotional
responses when I answered with "probably never".

The responses seem to vary between trying to talk me out of my
non-excitement to the more condesending, 'I used to feel that way,
you'll change...' type retorts.

We really seem to have hit that spot where everyone we know is looking
aisle-side for their future and I can see the division between babied up
and non is just a couple of years away.

I'm happy for people that are truly excited to follow The Script, car,
chick, married, house, kids, but I would like a bit of uncondescending
understanding if I'm just not that excited. When I'm eventually
interviewed for some inflight magazine, I don't want to be saying that
the best days of my life were my wedding day and the birth of my child, I
want to be all like 'well, holding Cara's hand when she was nominated for an
Aria/Cara was pretty awes, or just beating my little half-brother down
the slopes was way righteous, or getting photos published was excitement
plus more excitement or you know, I'd even be happy not to have one or two
standout days in trade for lots of days to qualify for Pretty Freakin'
Coolness status instead'.

The Script is totally fine, but I just feel that anyone can follow it,
which makes it less fun for me.

I am excited for my friends and their decisions about between arriving
in veils and humvees, but it just all feels a bit cliched and daggy to me.
I just can't generate any funness about the process. I'm still not sure
if I believe that people should spend their entire lives with one person. I
get that it's awesome to share the journey with someone, someone who knows
where you've come from, but I also think there is heaps to learn off
other people too. In my head I've got images of people who have just been
married for far too long versus an excited loving couple in their
fifties who had just found each other. We've way steered away from jobs for
life, is this not at all similar? That said, I do love the Caras muchly and I
adore the thought of her being my partner in crime for life... but I
would want that to be because every year, or every decade or whatever, we both
decided we were better off with each other than anyone else and not
together just because we were all ringed up.

I feel a bit bad for Caras, she was all 'I don't have time to get
married, I have to be a rockstar' for ages, but I think she's slowly getting
caught in the excitement of wedding photos and nice makeup and a year of people
being excited for you.

It's a shame, and I totally don't want her to be unhappy but I'm
starting to feel like I might be alone in my circles of my rejection of The
Script.

Uh, and the child thing. People of late have been quite upset to hear that I don't want kids.
Like the engagement thing, a few just figure I'll grow out of it, but some people have actually felt fairly affronted and have put in good efforts to convince me kids are the way to go. I do wonder if it's a survival of the species thing, but personally I think the human race is surviving plenty fine, selfishly, I'd much rather concentrate with what I want out of life than raising people. I find it a hard conversation to have, because I don't want to upset future parents to be with my reasons, I don't really want to say "well personally, I'd be embarrassed to bring a child into the world only to say 'well son or daughter, here's the world, you should be able to squeeze a couple more years out of it' but good luck with your and yours."

I totally understand that people find their weddings and their kids the happiest bestest things of their lives, but I would love for people to understand that I'm excited about different things.

14 Comments:

At 3:26 PM, Blogger meghansdiscontent said...

I think people should respect your choices, dear Adam. And that the only people whose opinions matter are yours and Cara's.

Don't bend to the will of others.
Don't let others believe you're not strong in your mind and your decisions.
"Grow out of it . . " Do they think you're 13?

*hugs*
YOU worry about your relationship.
YOU and CARA worry about your relationship.
"Eff off" to the rest of the world.

 
At 5:10 PM, Blogger Jen said...

I suppose working in the field that I do, I've seen way too many couples who should never have been married and way too many kids who really don't seem to be truly appreciated by their parents.

I really don't think there is anything wrong with not wanting to be married, or wanting kids. It's really just a personal decision, like whether or not you eat peas or like going to the beach but it seems to be a very emotive one for lots of people.

I am undecided if I want kids, I am quite certain I don't want to give birth, but I am always told I'll grow out of it. Once by a pair of 50+ women who had both chosen not to have kids. Who cares if you do grow out of it anyways, it's that the beauty of living in a free country where you can make and change your decisions?

As for the kids thing, what about the people who just can't have kids, it's like saying that you never really have a truly wonderful life because there will be no kids in it.

Sorry you had to defend yourself so much, people need to worry about things that matter and leave the personal choices of others alone.

 
At 5:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude its totally your call if you choose to follow The Script or not. Having kids or not having kids should always be a personal decision, and if your life is fulfilled without rugrats then kudos to you!! I think a lot of people have kids to somehow define who they are, to give their lives a purpose... not really the best reason to have kids, but there you go.

I think its great that you are thinking about this, and i tend to agree with the whole not only one person for the rest of your life thing... as much as i adore the thought of a soulmate and The One and all that, i dont think it is realistic. At least you are being honest how you feel about things and not stringing anyone along!

Its all up to you, so stick to your guns and dont let anyone tell you otherwise!

thats what i reckon anyhoo.



deb

 
At 7:17 PM, Blogger GBE said...

Woah!

I am totally with you, Adam. Having a bloody ring on your finger means diddly jack shit when it comes down to your happiness, or the quality of your life, and people who place that much importance on it are silly billies.

(Though full respect to those who have made that choice, etc. etc., I just don't think it's right to feel that your life isn't fulfilled until you've tied the knot, etc. etc. you know etc.)

Freakin'!

 
At 9:27 PM, Blogger Mars said...

i think you've made a totally fair call. there's nothing worse than someone who seems to be under the impression that they're somehow enlightened because they're married or a parent. worse, if if they think they're more worthy a human that you. and there are certainly people out there as parents who think their life is more important that someone who isn't a parent, because they're doing the toughest job of them all. PFFT, malarky. everyone makes choices for their own reasons and one person's choice is no more valid or invalid than the next.

 
At 9:28 PM, Blogger Ben said...

You're holding out for me. Just me honest.

 
At 10:47 PM, Blogger Enny said...

Hrm... I'm kinda half and half on this (after I'd already promised I wasn't!).

I do think it's right that it's important for the both of you... I'm proddly the same as Cara - EVERYONE'S doing it atm so it's hard not to feel a lil left out.

I've got my fair serve of discussion over the past few days about my view and The Hun's view - he's not into weddings, marriage, rings etc as they're an expensive thing and he's totally not religious... but on the other hand, are we not that special that we should get what everyone else does? Especially when there are so many people that shouldn't get married - does that make you worse than them?

I'm all for people who don't want to get married - but it's got to be two people in a relationship together that BOTH don't want to - not one not wanting to and the other going along with it, only to resent it later... then again, a relationship should be about the journey and not the blingy pitstops along the way - though as a woman I am ALWAYS looking for wedding rings on men and woman - it's nature. Not because I think married people are better, but because once something may be off the cards, you notice it even more. And wonder why they are so special that people want to marry them...

I think there's a fine line between not wanting to follow the crowd and just not doing it all because you are lazy (and you're not the second one).

So you can marry The Hun and Cara and I can have a big wedding. SCORE!

(end rant - I've thrown this crap around in my head ALL WEEKEND)

 
At 11:33 PM, Blogger Aussie Rock Chick said...

Hmm. I wasn't sure whether to comment on this one, I don't want to hijack your blog but I have a few things to add so why not? Ok here goes...

Firstly it is absolutely ridiculous for you and I to have to defend decisions such as these. Can you imagine if our friends told us they were getting married or were pregnant and we were like "Why? What for?" and acted all condescending? They should respect our choices just as we respect theirs.

Secondly as Adam already knows, I don't want kids either. Full stop. Just in case anyone was wondering. For the same reasons as Adam such as overpopulation and the environment, but also leaning towards the more selfish ones of "I have way way too much to do with my life to spend 20 years raising kids". Accepting my selfishness means maybe I will regret not having my own family later on, but it does mean that there won't be a couple of kids growing up neglected & in need of psychological help. God knows there's enough of them already!!

Thirdly - the marriage thing. I've always maintained that couples have no need to get married, and have always been pretty happy with the fact that I may or may not get married even if I have the perfect partner. Having my closest friends do it does put a different spin on it however - as Enny said, it's hard not to feel left out. Despite my intellectual opinion that a wedding is not necessary for a successful, happy long term relationship, there is the emotional side of it. The little girl who imagined herself in a wedding dress one day. Who every time she goes to a wedding thinks "my bridesmaids won't be in THAT colour!" and who plans what songs she will walk down the aisle and have her first dance with her new husband to. These are the hard bits to let go of, and I'm not sure if I'm ready to yet.

And of course there's the commitment side of it, this symbol that two people have committed to be together for life... but this is the part that's become rather screwed up in recent years with almost as many marriages ending as surviving.

It's also hard when the friends who are getting married have met their partner much more recently than we have. It feels like WE have done all the hard yards and worked through so much together and yet because these people met at the age where they're ready to get married and have babies, everyone celebrates THEIR relationship and gives THEM lots of presents and spends a year fussing over THEM. When do we get to celebrate and be congratulated?

There are so many good reasons not to get married - the expense, the amount of time and planning, etc and really only a few sentimental reasons to, but I guess I am still somewhere on the fence...

One thing is for sure though (just in case anyone was wondering THIS) - I would never leave Adam just because he didn't want to get married - it is not THAT important! What's important is that we love each other and we kick ass together!!!

 
At 11:33 PM, Blogger Aussie Rock Chick said...

Whoa! That was quite a rant. Sorry!

 
At 10:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Adam, you shouldn’t need to explain yourself to anyone! You are the only one to make decisions about how you want to live your life, and if someone else doesn’t like it, then the problem is entirely theirs.

 
At 10:07 AM, Blogger Aussie Rock Chick said...

I think you have hit the nail on the head there Lulu... for me, marriage would be nice, but it's not the be all and end all. Well put!!

And fortunately for us our parents are pretty cool with whatever we want as long as we're happy, so the only people we have to fend off with a stick are the smug newlywed types. Who are pretty easy to beat up really.

Ok Adam that's it, you can have your blog back now I promise!!! XO

 
At 11:11 AM, Blogger Kris said...

Your feelings about not wanting to get married, are completely fine. People get married for the wrong reasons today..the divorce rate in the states is over 50%.

We teach people, and pressure people that somethings is fundamentally wrong with you if you don't want it. Girls even more so. People act like you are a freak or something.

And maybe you will changed your mind someday, and maybe you won't but its YOUR life. Not theirs. And your decision. And if you are happy with it, then they can go jump in a big pile of dog poop.

 
At 4:35 PM, Blogger BEVIS said...

Aussie Rock Chick said ...

What's important is that we love each other and we kick ass together!!!




We don't need to know what you guys do behind closed doors, thank you.

Also: It's not selfish of you not to want kids. What's selfish is if you don't want them and you have them anyway (as happens far too often), because then the kid is left without a proper childhood as the parents are too caught up in their own thing to really care. There's nothing wrong with your view because you ACCEPT that you want to do the rock chick thing, and you're NOT destroying some poor kid's life by bringing them into a picture that doesn't have room for them. So kudos to you.




(Please don't think any less of me for living - and loving - "The Script". I certainly don't think any less of you!)

 
At 6:04 PM, Blogger meva said...

Homer: What's a wedding? Webster's dictionary describes it as the act of removing weeds from one's garden.

 

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