'The first time I ever got drunk' by Adam.

Or, alternatively titled, Lulu is Grouse Part 2.


'Twas a cold and balmy night.
I was fifteen.
I was excited.

It was adventurous times at the No Girls Allowed Catholic Club high school, the teachers organised dancing classes for us Year 10s and the Year 9s of a girls school. Actual real girls. I was excited, not just in the pants region, but in the fact-finding region. What do girls say, do they talk like us, do they have a special girl brand of skin, what do they smell like? I mean, I did have a mum and a sister, but they were family and nothing to do with the facts. I did have a couple of girlfriends in primary school but that was agggggeeeeeesssss ago and really they just interrupted my game of british bulldogs to tell me they me that I was now their boyfriend. There was no candle lit dinner or flirting over kiss chasey, it had nothing to do with real life.

The very first wednesday night dance class I fell in love with the very first girl I danced with. We didn't talk, but her name tag said Sarah, her denim shirt matched perfectly her denim jeans and we were destined to be together forever. I only danced with her for a couple of minutes before we had to change partners but the bond between us was as clear as Afro Jones hypercoloured t-shirt. Unfortunately she never came to another dance class but I was there, ready, over the next 9 weeks with my list of Interesting Things to Say to Girls, 'out of all the guys on 90210 Brandon is my favourite, do you agree?'.

Once the dancing course finished, it was back to chonking each other in the head with tennis balls for us boys, when one day many months later Jordon said:

"Are you guys going to that party?"

Whoa! Holy crap! What party?!?
One of the girls invited one of the boys to a party at her house WITH NO PARENTS which clearly meant that we were all invited.

I had never been to a party before without parents, I hope it's okay with my dad, I had no idea what to do, but Jordon had it all under control;

Step 1: Get some money.
Step 2: Give Jordan money.
Step 3: Get his older brother to buy his alcoholic drinks, Jordon suggested Strongbow Dry 'it's 8% which is 4% stronger than beer'.
Step 4: Get Daniel's dad to pick us all up and drop us at the party.
Step 5: Kiss girls (or as Jordon put it, complete with visuals 'get some tonguey action')

It was a plan that couldn't fail. Jordon hid the 6 pack in a bag stuffed with jumpers. Jordon jumped in the car, chink chink, Jordon put the bag between his feet in the back seat, chink chink, it's a nice night who won the football, chink chink. We held our breaths, Daniel's Dad started the car, we cheered internally.

The party was all craziness, there were people everywhere, we divided up our 6 pack between the three of us, that's two strongbow drys each, they are 4% stronger than beer. I had a little difficulty getting the lid off mine, ripped my hand to shreds trying to twist it off and a little bit later Jordon grabbed it, rolled his eyes and used a bottle opener.

I looked around for Sarah, I couldn't see any denim on denim combos anywhere, so I went to hang out with the dudes who were having an in depth discussion about what happened to the host's boobs. It took us some years later to figure out that bras and tops and dresses can have a differing dramatic effect on boobage - girls are so weird.

Anywho, not really knowing how to contribute to the current conversation and quite over watching the doorway for the excellent entrance of a particular someone I went for a walk with my two strongbows and found a girl sitting alone on the balcony. She was feeling sick, she'd had too much to drink and she wanted me to light her cigerette and also one for myself. I tried for a while, the things just wouldn't grab onto fire, when Simon the SmartAlec snatched them off me, put them in his mouth and lit them. He gave them back, smarmed away and I smoked a cigerette. Apart from the coughing I was quite good at it and by the end of mine I was an expert.

The girl didn't say much, so I just sat next to her and drank my two strongbows and patted her on the head until she asked me to stop. Instead, I held her smoke for her, that's when my friends came along and asked me what I was doing, but I didn't know so they got bored and left. I was bored too but I thought the girl would give me a kiss for holding her smoke and sitting next to her while she was sick. Eventually the cigerette burnt itself out and then Daniel's Dad came to pick us up.

We spent a boisterous trip home talking about how rad the party was and also trying really hard to not act smashed.

The End.