Interviewing the Bloggolympics Champion immediately after his dramatic victory!!

Well, who didn't take advantage the second Bevis lifted his blog hiatus?

1.) This is a question that has been asked many times on your own blog, but you've skirted around it each and every time. We need to know. Do you, or do you not have recurring nightmares about David Bowie in leggings?

I don’t know how many times I have to avoid this question. Don’t you people understand when someone is unable to discuss a topic for personal reasons?? Yes, I have frequent nightmares about David Bowie in leggings. In fact, on some occasions Bowie is joined by Sting, Eric Clapton and Kris Kross, who are all dressed up in fishnets and lederhosen (Kris Kross are, of course, wearing them backwards), and they all chase me around a large labyrinth. If anyone can interpret these dreams for me, I’d be most grateful.


2.) How is it, in all this time, I've never interviewed you before. Who is to blame for this and many other atrocities?

I think it’s the government’s fault. I have personally sent over 60 letters to my local member of Parliament complaining about the fact that you’ve never interviewed me before this, and frankly I thought that he’d finally done something about it and given you a call or something; but now I realise that the lazy bum had nothing to do with you finally contacting me. I’m going to write him another letter – and it will be quite stern indeed! As for the ‘many other atrocities’, you’d have to look slightly higher for who’s to blame for those. I recommend perhaps the Shadow Treasurer (because I don’t want anyone lurking about in shadows if they’re in charge of the money – that’s just asking for trouble, if you ask me).

Hmm, maybe you’ve never interviewed me before because I give such crap answers.


3.) Is it possible, that out of all the Muppets questions that you answered, that you got one wrong?

Why? Is there something you want to say? I guess it’s always possible. I’m learning new Muppet stuff all the time (thanks to Muppet Wikipedia and other sites out there), and I’m certainly not going to argue the point if someone brings evidence to light that contradicts something I’ve said. However, putting that aside for the moment, I am certainly quite knowledgeable on all things ‘Muppet’, and therefore am quite a handy little one-stop-shop if you have a Muppet question. Or you could try Muppet Wikipedia, if you really wanted to. But then I’d be out of a blog, so please don’t.


4.) If television was never invented, would your blog be about the dreamtime instead?

If television was never invented, I rather think it stands to reason that computers (and therefore blogs) would not exist either. They’re kind of peas from the same pod, don’t you think? But in the spirit of answering your question, my blog would either be about the Dreamtime or those little satchels of smelly stuff in the bottom of shoeboxes that taste so yummy.


5.) Can you please finish this sentence? The reason I, Bevis, am such a good commenter is _______________________

… because Adam writes such hilarious stuff that when I read his blog I find myself completely ‘in the zone’, so whatever I add as a comment seems to brighten his day. Also, it’s the crystal meth.

(Am I really ‘such a good commenter’? I think you’re just being polite/patronising/sexy.)


6.) Is it true that you require Jobe/schoolkids to proofread all your blog entries?

Sometimes both. Jobe, being a busy lad, is often too preoccupied with hotbabes (and Steph), so he finds it increasingly difficult to make time to proofread my work. Because of this, I had to hire a small Mexican child called Sanchez to do all my proofreading for me. (Sanchez is not his real name, but it’s the name I said I’d call him because it’s easier to remember and I like saying it.) I had Sanchez shipped over here on the pretense of earning an Australian visa for his whole family, but in truth I have no intention of letting him out of my basement – despite what I keep promising him every time he asks. (“It’s coming, little Sanchez; I’m sure it’ll be here in tomorrow’s mail. Now proofread this, ya little mongrel. No, that’s a compliment in Australia.”)


7.) Is it true, young Bevis, that the name 'Miss Piggy' is actually not the lead running girls name for your unborn child?

It shames me to say that the name ‘Miss Piggy’ is only the third baby name on the list, right behind Janice and Robyn (the female variant of Kermit’s nephew, Robin, who appears as my avatar/bio pic). Other names being considered include Muffy (not a frontrunner for obvious reasons), Ethel, Foo-Foo and Camilla (named after Gonzo’s chicken girlfriend, not the turkey-slappee from Australian Big Brother 2006). If the kid is a boy, he’s in even more trouble. Current male baby names being considered include Zoot, Scooter, Animal and Rizzo.


8.) Have you noticed that your blog hiatus has actually made the weather colder? What are your coping mechanisms for that kind of responsibility?

I’d like to believe I was not wholly to blame for that one. I rather think the weather was partly your fault. You’ve been AWOL for so long that I felt far too much pressure to keep the blogosphere ‘light and fluffy’ (those were your specific instructions, as I recall), and it all got too much for me. I just needed a ‘time out’. The local milk bar had run out of them, and so began a wacky quest for a chocolate bar that led me from store to store, from supermarket to supermarket, from town to town. I started in Melbourne and ended up in Istanbul, where I finally located the desired chocolate, only to remember that I don’t really like them. So it was a complete waste of time, really. And I blame you. At least I was trying to stay in contact. Where have you been? Your mother and I have been worried sick. (Tell her ‘hi’, by the way. She’s a lovely woman, and I hope the rash clears up soon.)


9.) Which actor will play the part of Bevis in the musical I Blogged Myself On Ice?

This is a tough one. In order to give you the most accurate answer possible, I took an extensive survey of all the actors in all the world, ever. And the results are in. I’ll go through each of them, one at a time (research shows that there’s only eight actors in total, which was a little surprising, but undeniably true). Mel Gibson’s too old/attractive. Hugh Grant’s too pompous/disgusting/pervy/attractive. Travis Cotton’s too edgy/intelligent/attractive. Alex Papps is too well-respected/approachable/mulletty/attractive. Hugo Weaving’s too gifted/ugly/attractive. John Belushi’s too dead. Michael Caine’s too wrinkly/English/unattractive. So that only leaves Kevin Kline, although he’s a little too attractive. A couple of ice-skating accidents during rehearsal ought to fix that right up, though. (Note to the producers: He’ll have to shave off his moustache.)


10.) If Australian Vampire Slayer stepped up as a brash new reality Tv show, would you join the queue with your sleeping bag and mittens at 3am to enter?

WOW! Where do I sign up? I’ll be perfect for the vampire with a heart of gold who can’t be trusted but oh, he can! Or maybe the dork who looks nothing like a dork but gets all the laughs in the early seasons until they come up with an even-more-loved character who’ll steal every scene he’s in and leave the dork forgotten in the background. Or the bad guy who could easily (and should) get killed a hundred different ways at a hundred different perfect opportunities, but is on contract as a lead character, so they have to find a different and none-too-convincing reason to spare him every time. So the answer is yes. And I’d have Wifey deliver me fresh boxes of Krispy Kreme doughnuts to see me through the night.