Hey do you mind if I just randomly think here?

One of the things I don't really like about myself is my own motivation, or lack thereof. When I am actually motivated about something, I totally turn it on but when I would like to achieve something, but don't see myself as actually having to, I'm just lazy. I really don't like that. I totally talk myself out of things all the time.

Before travelling, I didn't just go to the gym to improve my fitness, I actually totally went to et bigger, faster and stronger than Alex. Alex and I are very similar and we have a very healthy competitive streak with each other. In the weeks leading upto that first runway takeoff he saw that I was a bit bigger and quicker and that completely got him working hard. Knowing he was working hard got me training up even more. At takeoff we were both winners, but I was by far the best winner, surely.

I don't actually enjoy going to the gym and since haven't made much of an effort. Even when I am there, I get over it if it's too crowded or I can't be bothered. I get angry at myself for being lazy, but that doesn't seem to get me there. The gym is one example, I'm like this with everything, dagnammitconsarnit.

Motivation and determination are so, so, so obviously the thing that makes people do real good at stuff. 'Wanting it more' seems to win everything, which is awes, except where do I get some of that from?